The Morning After
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Amy wakes up after her random affair with Liam and decides that she needs to tell Karma as soon as humanly possible.
1. Chapter 1

***warnings: cursing, mentions of sex, super angsty***

**The Morning After**

**Chapter One**

The Morning After

**Part I**

Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to a person isn't that they forget but that they remember. Do you ever forget something important? No, like really important? And I mean the kind of thing that helped to make you who you are? A thing so important that it can never be replaced by something else no matter where you go in life or how you change?

A blanket? A watch? A gift from someone? A memory...

It doesn't have to be physical. In fact, it's worse when it's not.

But remembering can really break you.

In some ways, having a memory feels like magic or a true curse, a cosmic joke, a sleight of hand, something gone becomes real again in a way you can never later deny. For a minute, whether you want to or not, you can forget that what you once had is gone and remember how at one time you had it perfect or horrible or simple somehow. You'll never ask for it but then it'll happen. And once you remember, forgetting can become so hard.

The morning after my mother's wedding, my head pounding from the champagne, body covered in the smell of Liam Booker, laying there feeling sore, all I could think about was Karma Ashcroft. She's all I could think but it wasn't because of what I had done.

Liam Booker had slept with me the night before. We had done bad things because we were both hurt. His taste was still on my lips. His deep masculine smell mingled with my own sweet sweat. The room smelt like sex, it did, and I felt dirty. The first thing I should have thought was, _holy hell what have I done?!_ That's what I should have thought but that thought came later and so did the regret. My mind was playing tricks. Instead of thinking, I felt a memory.

Instead of remembering all the stupid things I had done, instead of knowing that my life had changed and it was all my fault, instead of feeling dirty or feeling the place where Liam had been, my mind flashed back to a feeling I had completely forgotten, a feeling of my life before this year, a feeling that meant Karma and nothing else.

As soon as I woke, I felt calm and thought of her. It was like no time had passed since last year when we did everything together and talked to no one else. I used to wake up with no worries and no cares. I'd know that I was going to be with Karma and she was going to be with me.

It was such a simple feeling and such a happy one. My eyes flashed open and I thought, _yes, it's time to see my friend._

Then, of course, I had to remember. And my world came crashing down.

It didn't matter that Liam was gone because I had done a horrible thing. And to be met with that memory first thing upon waking?

I rolled over in bed and violently sobbed.

It occurred to me, almost instantly. that I would probably never have that feeling again, ever. I had complicated things so much. We had hurt each other, said the most nasty things. I had fallen in love with the one person I really shouldn't. And now this thing with Liam, Karma would hate me, I nailed my own coffin shut, I buried myself unintentionally, I had made it easy for her to hate me.

The days of waking up and being happy because Karma was mine and I was hers? Those days were gone, they were the past, and knowing that felt worst of all.

I rolled over and I cried. I roared like a lion whose family had been killed.

**Part II**

I didn't know how to tell her. I tried to compose a speech in my head but everything came up short. I had spilled my heart out last night, I had done that. God, my head hurt.

I picked up my phone, thinking maybe if I just texted her right away, got it out there, things would be okay. The little white envelope notification was glued to my opening task bar. It was Karma. Of course it was Karma.

Karma: _Amy, can we talk?_

I had a message from last night around 3am. At 3am I was probably deep in the throes of sloppy drunken revenge sex, feeling Liam's strong soft hands slide their way down my naked sides. God, I was such a slut!

It hadn't been horrible. But it had been all about her. It was REVENGE SEX. SEX FOR REVENGE! The hell was I thinking?! I hit my head with my fist several times before raising my phone back up and opening to send a curious text.

Amy: _you awake?_

Karma: _Yea :*(_

Oh great, she was sad.

Amy: _what's wrong?_

Karma: _I can't stop thinking of how shitty I was to you last night…_

Fuck… On top of it all, it was now that she felt regret. After I had gone all brutal and rogue and done the shittiest possible thing, on a long list of shitty possible things. NOW SHE WANTED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THINGS!

Karma: _I couldn't sleep at all last night… Where were you?_

Amy:_ I just went home…_

_With Liam. Just add it, _I thought. _I went home and slept with Liam. I had sex with Liam. Liam and I had the sex._

Karma: _..._

Amy: _i have to tell you something…_

Karma: _Don't. Please… Meet me?_

I felt the bile rise in my throat. Of course I would have to see her. Of course we were still friends and not enemies. Just because I confessed my love, that didn't mean we couldn't be friends. I was such an idiot. Such a spaz. Why had I done that thing I had done?!

**Part III**

I waited at the coffee shop near her house. Lauren was nice enough to drop me off. I was going to walk but once Lauren saw me her eyes went wide. She must've heard me last night with Liam or maybe seen me? There was something in her face that said, _oh God, I know everything. Oh God, please look away._

My assumption was only made into fact when she kept her mouth closed on almost the entire drive.

"Meeting Karma?" That was all she had said. I nodded to concur and she avoided my eyes like they could actually just give her the plague.

Even though I had showered and thrown my hair up wet, like I rarely did, I still felt dirty when I walked in through that cafe door. I sat down without ordering a thing and I fidgeted and bit at my nails. I couldn't put it off. I couldn't stop it. Karma was coming and I was going to explode. I would tell her, she would know. I had done a very shitty thing. Very shitty.

All I could think was, _WHY DID I DO THAT?!_

The door swung open and I saw her and stood. It was like in the movies, where at first, when people see each other, they're so happy they have to pause. She walked to me quick and my arms naturally fell open to catch her in a glorious hug.

"I'm sorry," I said, tortured.

"You didn't do anything," she laughed. I could tell she had been crying cause her eyes had been red. She was sniffling too, like she only did after she cried for too long. She ran her hand down my ponytail and I felt that endearing tug.

I tried to let her go but she hugged me tighter and swayed with me in her arms.

"Come on," she whispered, pulling me along to the counter and ordering us drinks. We sat down at a table and I tried not to stare.

"You can hate me, it's fine." Why would I hate her? What had she done?

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I slept with Liam. I'm an asshole. I told you I did it after you told me you loved me. There could not have been a worse time to be honest. I'm a jerk. You can hate me. I've been waiting to say that all night. Thank God!" She sighed, relaxing a bit and taking a sip of her hot chai latte.

"Karma, I don't care," I scoffed, still feeling guilty. I did care but it wasn't surprising. They had been dating. They almost had sex months ago. Why would that even be a problem? I should've known. I should've assumed. It did hurt when she said it though...

"I think I said that to hurt you," Karma said, looking dire.

"Huh?" I sipped my iced coffee through my straw. What was she on about? Said what to hurt me? "Karma, you're starting to sound like Yoda. I have no clue what the hell you're trying to say." She took my hand and held it in both of hers. Concentrating on her words instead of my own stinking betrayal was actually a bit of a challenge.

"When you told me you loved me and asked me that thing." Her eyes were so pretty. I kept telling myself to look away. "I told you I slept with him. I told you, because I knew it would hurt you."

"Ew," I said, pulling my hand away. "That's actually reeeeeeally shitty..." The ache in my stomach dulled a little bit as I shifted in my chair. She wasn't completely faultless I guess. I shrugged and waited for more comforting words like that.

"I know," she said desperately. "I panicked. You scared me."

"_I_ scared _you_?" I said, surprised. How could I have scared her. I was boring and lame and predictable and always me. She was always going on about how ordinary she was but I was the ordinary one. This wasn't supposed to happen to me.

"When you told me you loved me... I dunno," she sighed at a loss and looked around as if the answer could be found with the strangers outside or with the half-and-half at the serving bar. "I guess I wasn't okay with it being true," she said honestly. "You're my only real friend," she started in.

"Karma, that's not even true," I corrected.

"It is true," she cut me off. "I love you more than anything. And since when do you know or want anything that isn't food?" She laughed a little, awkwardly. She was trying to be funny but it wasn't helping. My secret was growing inside of me like some unstoppable bacteria.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" I asked. What was her point? I was trying not to relive my confession and what happened and also trying hard not to cry. I had already told her when it had started. Why was she making me do this if she knew that it hurt?

"It's not okay, Amy," she whined. "I hurt you." She moved her chair close and took my hand from my lap, forcing me to let her hold it. Once she was close enough to look at me she even ran a hand along my cheek. She was probably trying to get me to see her but I couldn't look, not after everything. Her touch felt so good. I tried my hardest not to cry.

"Yeah well, I hurt you too," I confessed, still not looking.

"It's not the same," Karma sighed and smiled, happy tears escaping her eyes.

"I slept with Liam." I said it. If I didn't it would haunt me.

"What?" She gasped comically.

"Last night. After I said that to you." I looked at her almost angrily. "How do you know if you don't let yourself try? Remember that?" I repeated my own words, the words I had given her. They spilt out of me like lava.

"Amy…" She sat back in her chair and looked me up and down like she didn't know who she was seeing. Was the idea that unfathomable? "It was stupid and I'd take it back. But I did it and I'm a shitty fucking friend." I scooted my chair out fast and stood up to look down at her. "So it's fine. Just like Monopoly. Get out of jail free. You don't have to feel bad about not loving me anymore."

The words barely left me before my throat closed-up tightly. I walked out fast. I couldn't look at her now. I felt the tears coming two steps before I reached the door. I had forgotten I was stranded. I kept walking. I could use the walk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**And Now You Want To Ask Me How**

**Part I**

I couldn't imagine what she must be thinking. I walked quickly away from the cafe and plopped down on some grass to cry once I felt far enough to be mistaken for shrubbery.

"Idiot!" I chastised myself.

"Amy?" I heard Karma's concerned voice following me out. Her footsteps had been so quiet, I didn't even know she had been there all along.

_Damnit_, I thought. What did she want?!

"Amy?" She yelled, not seeing me. I looked up to see her desperately scanning the street.

"I'm right here, Karma," I squeaked.

"Amy…" She kneeled down next to me on the grass not caring if the grass would stain her light blue jeans.

"I'm the worst," I cried, hiding my face in my knees.

"Amy, you're not," Karma tried. She had her hand on my back and she was hovering close near my body.

"I'm so stupid!" I cried. "I screw everything up!"

"You haven't done that!" Karma fought harder. She probably wanted to shake me. I felt her hand rubbing my back. "Can we talk about this please?" She asked sweetly.

"Why are you even still here?" I stared up at her.

"Because I love you Amy," Karma said.

"Just not like that," I repeated like a fucking ass.

"Amy, did…" She was about to ask a question but she stopped herself.

"What?" I asked.

"Did you sleep with him just to prove something?"

"Are we really talking about this?!" I asked. "Can't we just pretend it didn't happen?" I felt my tears choke at me again.

"I can't do that," Karma said solemnly, showing pain. She must've known it hadn't been for pleasure, the sex.

"Are you okay?" Karma asked.

"Jesus, Karma! What the hell does it look like?!"

She plopped her butt down next to mine.

"God, look at us," Karma smiled in that stressed out way and I knew exactly why. We were so complicated it was actually comical. "Did you like it at least?" Karma asked, staring over at me. She wasn't even mad. It was like she wanted me to have liked it.

"No," I shook my head sadly and met her eyes. More tears escaped me. "I was mad at you and drunk and I just wanted to be normal." I felt the air in my lungs falter. Saying it out loud felt so fucking stupid. "I didn't care what it felt like. I just wanted to change," I choked out through my sobs.

Karma was watching me sadly, she brushed the heel of her hand over my cheekbone to wipe the tears. And she pulled my hair-tie off and ran her fingers through my hair. I could tell she was just looking at me, thinking I was pretty, and smelling my shampoo. Somehow that made it all worse. Why couldn't she just love me back?!

"I'm glad you don't change," she said lovingly. My lips pursed tightly and I laid my head down again.

"How'm I supposed to be happy?" I asked.

"Come 'ere," she said, stirring me and opening her arms.

"I can't, don't," I said, wanting to fight her.

"I'm not giving you a choice," her eyes were crying too. She stuck her legs on either side of me and pulled me down into her arms. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and began to wail. As she held me I felt myself give up. She knew everything now and it still didn't help.

**Part II**

We spent all morning together lounging around at my house. She made me breakfast and braided my hair. Lauren came out randomly and seemed to be watching us. For some reason, ever since the wedding she had started to seem like my protector. I felt an instant closeness to her now. I was grateful for her.

"What's with Lauren?"

"She knows it all…"

"You talked to her?" Karma seemed shocked.

"It was the toast…" I said. "She figured it out and chased after me but I was with you… Apparently she heard everything."

"What do you mean everything?" Karma asked nervously

"Come on Karma," I pathetically mimicked my naive fucking self from the night before. "Jump off the edge with me." I had to hold at my head just thinking of it. The hangover was strong and painful today.

"You were sweet," Karma said.

"I was an idiot," I felt extremely defensive about it.

"You were romantic," she was trying to make me feel good. She pulled me into lay on her again. We were on the couch and cuddling. She wouldn't let me be away from her and I felt soft in her arms, completely hungry for her touch and refusing to hide it. When she touched me now I let my body show how it felt. I let my eyes stutter and my breath catch audibly. I wouldn't hide it anymore. I wanted her to just see how much she affected me, how much I craved her all of the time.

"I like when you let me touch you like this," she crooned almost amazed. She was watching me feel her. "I can't believe I didn't notice this," she almost whispered, admiring me. I swallowed hard in my throat. I didn't want to cry anymore but it all hurt too much.

"What?" I asked, feeling tortured and delicate, in love.

"How much I affect you," she stared into my eyes for much too long. I moved off of her to stop it all.

"Want a soda?" She looked at me sadly. She hadn't wanted me to move. She wanted to touch me so that she could watch me and see. She wasn't sickened by me and somehow that almost made it worse.

"You don't have to feel bad," she whined, knowing why I had moved.

"Don't you get it?!" I asked, taking a soda out of the fridge and slamming it down on the counter. I stopped myself from speaking and opened the can, drinking it down. It burned in my throat making me antsy.

"Tell me," she said, seeing how I bit my words back and swallowed them down. She turned around on the couch so that she could better see me. "Amy, come on," she pushed.

"It's not fair," I choked out. "I want you to touch me so bad but it's not real."

"Amy, what's not real?" She seemed skeptical.

"You touch me and I feel it. I want you. And what do you want?" I asked.

Karma was quiet and I really didn't know what she was thinking.

"I wouldn't touch you if I didn't want to," she said, as if realizing it only right then. Why the fuck did she say things like that?! This was my whole entire fucking problem! She was so fucking sweet to me, she was always so sweet. And I knew it was honesty. She _was_ being honest. What the hell was I supposed to do with all that?!

"So, what?! You want to tease me?!" I asked bitterly. "Lets torture Amy! Isn't is cute?! Look how she suffers! Look how she wants me?"

"Amy, no," Karma gasped seeming disgusted. It certainly hadn't occurred to her before. She never meant to hurt me on purpose. I didn't want to walk back to the couch.

"All I want is for you to hold me, you know that?! That's all I want all the time."

"So, let me hold you," she said as if life could ever really be that fucking simple.

"I need to get over you," I said. "I'm too weak Karma, it's not fair." She turned back around on the couch and sat down with her back to me. I was trying to be strong but how could I given the circumstance? She hadn't done anything wrong, not really. All she wanted was to sooth me and mend all of my wounds. I found myself thinking of Katniss and Peta in the forest in The Hunger Games. I choked in the kitchen feeling bitter.

"You're not leaving me any options," she choked out through her tears. Since her back was to me I didn't know until she spoke that she had started to cry.

"Karma, I hate this," I said walking over to her. I knelt down in front of her and took her hands in my own. "It hurts to be with you, okay? That's not your fault. You didn't do it." I shook my head in my tears and squeezed her hands really tight. "I don't want to be without you but this is worse. It's like false hope or something. It's dangerous, it could break us." She didn't get it. She couldn't get it.

"I can't be without you," she said, knowing it. I searched her honest eyes, feeling trapped. She was crying and I had caused that. All of this was my fault, not hers. She had been the best of best friends and I had fucked it all up, all of it.

"But.. I'm in pain, Karma…" I couldn't explain it. "If you want me to just suffer I guess I will but it's not right… It shouldn't be this way. I'm not going to pretend I'm not craving you 24/7-"

"I don't want that, Amy," Karma cut in. "I want you to be yourself."

"Myself wants YOU," I said, standing up. I paced the room just thinking of how hard this all was. "I'm breaking when you walk into a room and I'm breaking when you look at me that way and I'm breaking when you touch me because I can't, I can't have you," It was all getting so dramatic and I just wanted to die.

Karma turned into the couch to cry. I crawled up and made her hug me and I held her.

"We're changing," she wept, holding me tight.

"I don't want it," I cried too. It was like we were finally admitting it, this thing we'd both been feeling and not talking about for way too long.

"I know," she said. Neither of us wanted to be in so much pain. We loved each other and that had always been true.

Lauren came out of her room, she probably heard my loud choked voice. She gave me a blushed look of worry and turned quickly away. She obviously came out to save me or help but what could she do?! There was nothing she could do. I held onto Karma and swallowed my bitterness.

"Lauren," I said. "Hey, Lauren."

"What?" She asked, wanting to do something, anything and be of help.

"Can you make us nachos?" I asked.

She could tell I was still crying from last night.

"Fine," she said, pretending she hadn't come out of her room to make sure I was okay. "But only because I was going to be making some anyway."

I chuckled into Karma's ear and she chuckled back, holding onto my arm.

"It feels so good to hear you laugh," she whispered.

I felt my heart twist in my chest. Holy fuck, I wanted to keep her.

Despite all that had been said, neither of us wanted to move. It was like we were clinging on now to all that we were and all that we could ever be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**Don't You Want Me Baby**

**Part I**

We tried to talk it out. Karma didn't care about Liam. She didn't care that I had slept with him for revenge. All she cared about was us. Even after my confession and then hers, all she cared about was us!

Lauren made us her fancy nachos. She followed a lot of crazy people on Youtube who made these gourmet things like 8 layer nachos or volcano nachos with fresh 18 ingredient guacamole. It took her over an hour to invent something simple but I shut the hell up and I helped her grate all the cheese because she was my friend now and that was fucking obvious.

Plus, it was nice being with her that way. We laughed a little. When she smiled she was a whole different person. When she smiled I felt like an ass for all the times I had been a jerk to her.

Karma watched old episodes of Glee on netflix. She always did stuff like that when she was sad. I just watched her from the kitchen and felt horrible. I couldn't talk to her. I needed to avoid her. Lauren and I would yell at the screen every now and then though, we both felt the same way about Glee. We mostly loathed it. But I held my tongue through most of it because I knew Karma loved it and I didn't want to ruin her happy thing. We were both obviously fucking depressed.

"What's going on with you?" Lauren asked. We had gone to her room to find an old cd. I think it was an excuse though because Lauren brought it up and we hadn't been listening to music at all.

"I told her about Liam." I said.

"And she's still in there?!" Lauren was almost shocked.

"She doesn't care," I said, holding my arm. It was surprising to me too.

"What were you yelling about before?" Lauren wanted to know it all and since Shane wasn't there she was my next best option for damage control.

"I was trying to tell Karma that we should spend some time apart…"

"And she didn't leave." Lauren's face seemed almost blank.

"She cried."

"Shit."

"I know," I sighed, feeling miserable and sad and just so fucking horny and stupid for feeling horny. "She wants to hold me. She was touching me and watching me," I said.

"Ew." Lauren said shortly. "That's kinda gay… No offense." I watched Lauren's face go through all the emotions and settle definitively on pity.

"I know…" I sighed. It was my problem. Mixed signals were real. It hadn't all been in my head. The more I thought about it, and the more loving Karma reacted to me, the more I realized that I wasn't a complete space-case. I was seeing things that were actually fucking there.

"This isn't right…" Lauren said.

"Why do I want her so bad…"

"You're in love, dumbass."

"Yeah but.. How? I mean, if she doesn't love me back why the fuck would I still be into it."

"She's your best friend," Lauren explained. She seemed exacerbated with me. I somehow felt that I was the only one who couldn't understand the situation.

"Thanks for making us nachos," I said.

"It's fine.. I'm just worried."

"You don't have to be, I'm not dying," I said sorrowfully.

"Trials of the heart can be worse than death," she said flatly, grabbing onto my arms and almost jolting me to attention. "Sorry," she said, realizing what she had done.

"It's okay," I laughed.

"What are you guys doing?" Karma drifted sleepy into the space and draped herself sideways over Lauren's big lazy chair. Now that everything was out in the open it was almost like she had become even more sexy than she ever was before. I felt myself become defeated as I looked at her there in the chair. She winked at me sweetly.

"Fuck," I said.

"What?" She asked, growing serious. She obviously didn't realize how sexy she was almost constantly, especially with me.

"She's fucking attracted to you, dumbass," Lauren said angrily. She was addressing Karma and not me.

"Hey," Karma said, taking offense. She sat up in the chair and got up to walk over to me.

"She's sort of right," I said, holding onto my arm.

"You just drifted into this space like you were fucking Grace Kelly in High Society. Have some fucking consideration. She's practically jizzing in her pants. Look at her!" Lauren had an odd way of sticking up for me.

"I.. don't… do that," I laughed awkwardly. Karma looked over at me apologetically. She didn't know how to be and honestly neither did I.

"Yeah, no duh. You're not trans, you're just a lesbian."

"Iiiii yeeeeahhh…"

"Lauren, stop, you're making her uncomfortable," Karma said. She walked to my side and hugged me to her.

"I'M MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE?!" Lauren yelled.

"Oh boy," I sighed.

"THE GIRL JUST TOLD YOU SHE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU ARE STILL EYE-FUCKING HER AND BEING THIS AMAZING FUCKING PERSON WHO WANTS TO HOLD HER AND TOUCH HER EVERYWHERE AND GOD KARMA, THAT'S GAY!"

"I don't think there's anything wrong with that," Karma said. "Do you?" She turned to ask me, scanning my eyes and lips, and I felt like shrinking from the room but I was stuck there immobile.

"YES! SAY YES!" Lauren tried to order me.

"It's what I was trying to say before," I shrugged. I couldn't look at Karma, she obviously didn't get it. "I love you but it's hard."

"She loves you but you're gay for her without being gay for her," Lauren explained in more relatable terms.

"You are making no sense Miss Cooper."

"KARMA! I CARE ABOUT AMY!" Lauren stomped.

"She does," I agreed with a matter-of-fact smile.

"SHE CAN'T TAKE THIS! SHE'S NOT LIKE US! SHE'S WEAK!"

It was okay when I said it but when Lauren said it…

"Are you just going to let her talk about you like that?" Karma asked. "Sweetie, you're not weak." Uck, she was even calling me sweetie now.

"Karma…" I whined. Lauren wasn't wrong. She really wasn't.

"See!" Lauren said.

I didn't know what I was doing anymore. Lauren suddenly seemed more right than Karma did. I tried using words with Karma and it didn't work. Maybe Lauren's scare tactics would do the trick.

"Okay," Karma sighed. "I'll bite." She let go of me and allowed me to stand on my own. It felt lonely but a little less heated. "Are you trying to tell me that Amy is such a horny boy that she can't take me touching her?"

"YES! THANK GOD! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND!" Lauren walked out of the room and left us there. She just dropped a fucking bomb and said peace-out.

"Amy?"

"Huh?" I tried to play aloof.

"Is that true?" She knudged my shoulder cutely with her body.

"Karma… Don't… Please…" I wanted to cry. It was like she hadn't been hearing me at all.

"Is it…" She touched my arm with her hand and saw my body twitch. "It is," she seemed to realize.

"I want you," I said pitifully. "I'm gross."

"You're not gross," she whined.

"I'm a horny teenage boy. You're my catnip. I'm disgusting."

"Amy, no," she looked like she wanted to hug me and I backed away.

"This is why I said I needed space. You don't get it. You don't see."

"I see," she said, pulling me close to her anyway and wrapping me in a hug. I heard her smell me.

"You just fucking smelled me, Karma…"

"So?! I always smell you! You smell good!"

"KARMA!" WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER?!

"IF YOU TWO ARE TOUCHING I'M GOING TO GET MY RAPE TAZER!" Lauren called from the kitchen.

"I'm sorry," I whined.

"Stop being sorry," Karma said. "Here," she said, smiling. She looked down at my lips with her eyes and then leaned in close.

I didn't know what was happening but my lips fell into hers and I realized she was kissing me. My eyes drifted shut and I felt myself swimming in her pleasantly away from the world. Her mouth opened almost instantly and she was tasting me soft and special, kissing me so sweet. It was like the threesome only sweeter because she wasn't scared and she wanted to be doing it. There was no one here to watch. This was obviously for us.

"Uhhh," I whined, feeling breathless and falling into her.

"Mmmm," she hummed back. "We've been faking it so long, what's the hurt in a little play?"

I stood there stunned as she turned and slapped me hard on the ass, leaving me alone in Lauren's room.

This whole communication thing was only making everything worse. I fell down on Lauren's bed and hugged myself up to her over-sized stuffed dog.


	4. Chapter 4

_*i dunno if you guys missed the memo but karma ashcroft LOVES to be loved, it's like her whole mission in life, especially to be found sexy and to be loved for who she is*_

_*so, with this fic, karma loves that amy loves her. and honestly, in the show, i'll be surprised if karma starts treating amy differently instead of being lovey with her like she always has been. so yeah, i don't think she's being mean but i do think she's getting off on it a little bit. she obviously loves amy regardless of whether or not her love will ever tip over to super sexual, i think karma has always wanted to make amy happy so teasing her is both fun and rewarding for her but it could get amy reeeeeeeeeeeeally angry because as you've all noticed, it does come off as sort of criminal behavior*_

_*__**Karma NEVER does anything specifically to hurt Amy!**__ THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN TRUE! THE ONLY THING SHE DID THAT WAS CLOSE TO INTENTIONALLY HURTING HER OUT OF SPITE WAS TELLING HER ON THE NIGHT OF THE WEDDING THAT SHE SLEPT WITH LIAM. SHE HAS DONE NOTHING ELSE TO AMY OUT OF MALICIOUS INTENTION OR SPITE.*_

**Chapter Four**

**Fight Fire With Fire**

**Part I**

I watched the pink dashed numbers flash on Lauren's stupid digital clock.

"What are you doing?!" She asked, interrupting.

"Just let me die," I whined. Karma had kissed me and it had felt amazing.

"She did this." Lauren deduced.

"Uh-huh," I concurred, allowing my head to spin and my heart to flutter. Karma Ashcroft tasted like _mmmmm_...

"What the fuck did she do to you?!" Lauren stood back on her heels and crossed her arms. "KARMA ASHCROFT!" Lauren screamed, "YOU GET YOUR LITTLE BUTT IN HERE RIGHT THIS SECOND!"

Karma peeked her head around the corner and turned into the room, leaning her body on the doorframe and staring at Lauren and then at me.

"What's up?" Karma asked. She was sipping coffee, completely relaxed. Her eyes looked sleepy. She hadn't been lying. She did stay up all night. She had been sad. I remembered the morning for a second before snapping back to reality.

"Do you see this?" Lauren asked, pointing at me.

"Of course," Karma smiled. She loved seeing me. She always had.

"Did you do this?"

"Did I_ DO_ what?" Karma laughed. She was probably thinking _DO_ as in _FUCK_. Since it was Karma's mind I knew it well. Despite myself I smiled briefly. Luckily my mouth was tucked into the fake fur of Lauren's soft stuffed puppy.

"She's in my room." Lauren said, dropping her arms to pace. "She's in my room and she's on my bed." She turned to Karma. "Amy doesn't do that. She's never done that. Why is she doing that?! Why Karma?! WHY?!"

"Okay, are you guys going to stop being weird soon? This morning has been kind of intense." She was beginning to whine. "Can't we just sit on the couch and eat nachos and have a normal day where we're not over analyzing every stupid little thing?!"

It was the most sense being spoken. Still, somehow, I felt unable to move.

"Uck. Just go away," Lauren said flatly. "Go watch your stupid show, wish your stupid coffee, you stupid stupid girl."

"Hey," Karma whined, turning and judging her.

"You coming Aim?" She asked sweetly.

"Yeaaaa," I whined.

"Don't talk to her. Just go," Lauren said, staring daggers into Karma's back.

Once Karma left Lauren shut the door.

"Get up," Lauren said.

"Why?"

"Get your lazy ass up, right the fuck now." She walked to me and pulled her doggie away, yanking me up by my wrist.

"Ow," I cried.

"Sorry." She looked at me.

"Okay, here's the thing." She was whispering. "Your friend is a bit of a little shit. I mean, I can get rid of her, I have my ways. But I think it'd be better if you fight fire with fire."

"Fire with fire…" I repeated, mulling it over in my mind.

"If she fucks with you, even a bit. If she makes you uncomfortable. If she takes liberties she doesn't deserve-" Her mind must've been racing because her mouth certainly was. "WHAT EXACTLY DID SHE DO?!" She yelled in frustration. It must've been bugging her to not know. I wondered why though.

"You don't wanna know," I groaned. Why would Lauren want to know how weird me and Karma were? She already thought we were freaks. Perhaps it was because we had been in her room and near her stuff. That seemed fair enough. I'd want to know if Lauren had sex in my room. I'd want to sterilize things and throw things in the trash and maybe perform a room cleansing ceremony just to be safe.

"I actually really do." She said flatly.

"Fine…" I relented, taking a step closer so that I could whisper. "She kissed me."

"What do you mean kissed you?" Lauren crossed her arms again and looked up at me. I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"She… She kind of… She made-out with me a little."

"HERE?!" Lauren asked.

I nodded.

"IN MY ROOM?!"

I nodded again.

"JUST NOW?!"

"Yea," I whined. How many times was I going to have to answer the same stupid question.

"GODDAMNIT!" Lauren yelled and stomped her foot. She took a step forward and pushed me hard with both of her hands. I fell back onto her bed, my ass landing in the pillowy comforter that billowed up around me. Lauren looked down at me in shock. "Wow! Sorry! Didn't mean to push you…"

"It's fine," whatever.

"FIRE WITH FIRE!" Lauren said.

"Lauren, what does that even mean?"

She fell down onto her knees and crawled towards me until she was sitting up in front of me, close enough so that I could hear it if she whispered, which she did.

"If she thinks she can just kiss you, you kiss her right back." She was looking at me so intently.

"I did," I said, shrinking a bit. Lauren had really pretty eyes. I had never been this close to them before.

"No Amy, you _KNOW_ what I mean," her eyes flared.

"Okay," I thought it through. Karma had been kissing me and I had been letting her. I didn't fight her and I didn't just take her either. I could've taken her. I could've shown her that I wanted her even more. I could've held her face with my hands and turned myself into the aggressor. I could've moved my body into hers and pushed her back until we fell onto Lauren's bed and I kissed and kissed and kissed her all on top of her body and feeling her like I reeeeally wanted to. I could've made her confused and hot and scared her off out of my life. I could've done that.

_*SNAP SNAP SNAP* _I looked up to see Lauren's hand snapping in front of my eyes.

"EARTH TO AMY!"

"Sorry," I said again.

"Do you get it?!" She asked.

"It's worth a try," I gulped. None of this was going to be easy but at least Lauren had given me something. If Karma thought it was okay to kiss me like that I shouldn't find it wrong at all to go deeper and try something I want. Talking wasn't helping anyway.

"Come on, nachos are getting cold."

Lauren turned toward the door but she held her hand out to me and I took it. Her hand was soft in mine and I liked it.

"Lauren?"

"What?"

"Thanks," I said.

"Don't mention it."

"I mean it though."

"I know." She said. We were like this now. I liked it.

**Part II**

Nachos, soda, coffee, what have you. I sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table to try and get some space. Lauren sat up on one side of the couch and Karma sat on the other. Groundhog's Day was on tv so we were all watching it for 500th time.

The nachos sat in front of me on a long cookie sheet covered in foil. Almost every time anyone would grab a nacho they would look down at me and check on me. It was weird. I felt like I was being babysat or something.

"I can't eat anymore."

"Me neither," I said. The sooner the nachos went away the sooner they would both stop doting on me.

"They were delicious though," Karma said, looking over at Lauren.

"Of course they were, I made them."

"Ooookay," Karma said, tilting her head away. I looked back at her and she smiled down at me, a bit of a wild and frustrated blush was in her cheeks. Lauren made everything hard for her and I had to love her for it.

"I'd love to keep you ladies company all day but I've got yoga in an hour."

"You can't go!" I whined, looking back at her.

"Really?" Karma asked, looking down at me. I felt myself shrink from her gaze like a puppy.

Lauren had been checking her wrist watch. She walked in front of the tv so that it wouldn't be so weird if I looked at her.

"It's only an hour long. The morning instructor doesn't even know how to do a Crow pose or anything like that. It's a big mess. My schedule is completely screwed up."

"Poor you," Karma teased.

"Shut it."

Lauren walked away to her room and Karma tapped my shoulder.

"You actually want her here?"

"Well.. Yeah," I said.

"Why? She's like an angry babysitter."

"She made us nachos."

"Yeah and made us both feel weird for a solid two hours."

"She wasn't making me feel weird." Might as well say what I was feeling. The only thing making me feel weird was Karma.

"Come up here, sit with me," Karma said, reaching her hand down and grabbing my wrist to lead me up.

"Amy?" I heard Lauren call from her room.

"I better go see what she wants."

"Really?!" Karma was really annoyed by my new friendship with Lauren.

"She's my sister now."

"Awwww," Karma did forget. Her face softened greatly at those words from my mouth. Of course she had forgotten. She dropped my wrist and I went off to check on Lauren.

"Hey," Lauren said, seeing me through her mirror. "Can you get this?" She pointed back behind her. She had a dress on that wasn't zipped.

"Oh, sure," I said, moving up behind her and pulling it up. I brushed my hands over the fabric as if it needed to be straightened, but it didn't.

"Thanks," Lauren said, dipping her eyes. I watched her undo the clasp on a small necklace. She held both halves back behind her and I took them. It took me a while to get it to stay. When I was done Lauren looked at me through the mirror. She inhaled.

"You're not going to yoga," I noted.

"I dunno why I said all that. I think I feel bad about leaving you." She turned around in her chair. Her dress was adorable. She looked like a 1950's housewife and I had no doubt she'd have old fashion heels to match. "Maybe I shouldn't leave," she said sadly. "You need me." She took my hands in hers and I knelt down to take them.

"You look nice," I said. "I'll be fine."

"Hmpf," she blew a stray hair from her forehead.

"Are you going on a date?"

"I don't even know why I'm doing this. I should just stand him up."

"Why?"

"Because you're going through a crisis and it's not like Mom's here to chase Karma away. Someone should protect you."

"I don't need anyone else to chase Karma away."

"Amy…" Lauren groaned. She reached a hand out and wiped my hair from my face. I felt my eyes soften at her touch. "You're sweet," she said. I knew she was probably thinking other things though like, _you're weak_. Or _you're not capable of doing much at all now are you? _Somehow though, there wasn't anything judgmental or condescending in her tone.

"You're too pretty to stay," I smiled, standing up.

"Fine," she said, blushing. She turned around and pinned back her bangs. "Get me those shoes," she said, pointing to a black box that sat by her closet. I fumbled to reach them and took them out. They looked beautiful with her coral dress. I took the stuffing out and she lifted her foot up.

I tucked them on her feet one-by-one and she stood up when I was done. Her dress was pretty short but it didn't look trashy or cheap. It looked thick and elegant.

"You always look so classy," I sighed.

"I know," she said with a smirk. She lowered her hand down to pull me up.

Once I stood, she held at my shoulders.

"Remember," she said. "Fire with fire."

"Fire with fire," I agreed. Unexpectedly, she pulled me in for a hug.

"I'm just so sorry that all of this is happening," she said sadly. When she pulled away she looked like she was about to cry.

"Lauren?" I said. But she had already picked up her purse and walked out of the room. I chased after her but even in heels she was quick.

"Don't be a bitch," I heard Lauren mutter to Karma's back before exiting the house and slamming the door.

**Part III**

"What the hell was that?!" Karma asked.

"I… Don't know," I said sorrowfully, hugging myself.

"Where the hell is her yoga class? At the fucking Ritz?!"

"She had a date, she lied."

"Why?! God, she's so weird," Karma was eating a strawberry. She must've rummaged through the kitchen while we were out. "Come 'ere you," she said, noticing me at last. She held her hand out and I grabbed it. She pulled me down to sit by her and I fell onto my knees at her side. "What's a matter? What did she do?"

"She didn't do anything, she's great," I said.

"God, what's going on with you," she said, looking at me too close and wiping my hair out of my face again, it kept falling because I kept looking at the ground. "Here," she said, holding a strawberry up to my mouth.

I took it from her hand with my own and bit into it sadly, dropping my hand and feeling defeated.

"Stop," she said, noticing my mood. I looked up at her and she searched my eyes. "You're still not okay…"

What could I say. I just looked back at her and stared, taking in her eyes and her lips and wanting to lean in and kiss her again.

_Fire with fire_, the words flashed in my mind. I felt my heart race. Karma smiled queerly, she must've noticed my shift

"Ah, fuck it," I said, dropping the strawberry on the floor and pushing forward with all of my wanting and weight. I covered her with my body and kissed her deeply, tasting sweet strawberries and her own surprised gasp.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**I'm Burnin' For You**

**Part I**

"Uhhh," I gasped into her mouth, answering her as I pushed. The strawberries were a bad idea, they had only made Karma taste better.

"Huhh," she whimpered, losing herself. From the looks of her body she seemed excited and accepting. She didn't push me away and the look on her face was actually sort of blissful. I felt myself smile into her mouth as I let my hand drop to her bare-waist and slide slowly up her naked side beneath her shirt. "Mmm! Whoa!" Karma said, stopping my hand at the hem of her bra. She had woken up from her revelry. I watched as she crawled back away from me. "Amy stop," she said seriously, holding her hands out in front of her and panting.

"I want you," I said, my eyes locked with hers, my chest rising and rapidly falling. I was on all fours with her legs beneath me. If I crawled up just a little bit more I could sit on her lap and kiss her. "I've been trying to tell you all day. I can't stop this. This is how I feel."

"Look, before. It's okay if we kiss but this…" She looked away.

"What?"

"This is… Amy…"

"It's what?!"

"I don't know what to say," she stopped.

"You don't like it?" I asked.

"No, I like it. It felt good, you feel good, but..." She held herself awkwardly.

"But?"

"Amy, I already told you."

"But you like it. I can tell that you like it. I saw you, I was watching." She hadn't stopped me until I touched her skin. If I had stopped at the kissing we'd probably still be doing that now. I wished I could go back, rewind. Stop my hands from being greedy. How long would she let me kiss her like that? How long would Karma really truly like it before getting bored or just deciding that she shouldn't want to want me?

"That's not the point," Karma said.

"So, what's the point?!" I sat up on her ankles and held my hands at her knees, watching her. I wanted to understand her, I just didn't. She was saying we could kiss but we couldn't touch? Was this because we'd already done as much already?! What if we had gone through with the threesome?! Would she have kicked me out then too?

"I don't know," she said nervously. I could tell she felt badly. She had that stormy look in her eyes, the one she only gets when she's overwhelmed. It was the look she had at the threesome _BEFORE_ I kissed her. Also the look she had right _AFTER_ Liam kissed me.

"I didn't mean-" I didn't want to be giving her that look.

"It's fine, I confused you," she said, moving her legs. We both got up.

"You're leaving?"

"I think you were right before…" She said, decidedly, not looking at me. I sat back down. It was there again, that painful gut-wrenching feeling that Karma couldn't love me, she just couldn't.

"Maybe you need space. It's not right for me to be here."

"Wow," I exhaled almost angrily. Did she really believe that or was she just scared?!

"Please don't be mad," she begged, brushing her hair from her forehead and staring down at me looking exacerbated and obviously knowing she had fucked shit up.

"I think I have to be, Karma," she must've known that. By the looks of her she knew it.

"Please," she begged again, pouting. I sat there feeling consternated with my mouth hanging open like a dumb idiot.

She leaned down and kissed me softly, looking me in the eye and smiling lightly.

"You feel good, I'm just an idiot," she said, walking off toward the door, obviously upset with herself. She didn't seem happy with herself. She seemed mad.

I couldn't tell if it was what I did or what she did. Where did we go wrong?! Maybe we both fucked up…

**Part II**

The rest of the day felt like torture but with Karma gone at least I could ignore things and watch tv. I didn't have to sit next to her and try not to think about how much I wanted to touch her.

The more I tried to disappear into something fictional the more sad I became that my phone didn't buzz and my front door didn't open. We hadn't left things in a good place. We'd done the opposite of that. I hugged Lauren's stuffed dog to my chest and tried hard to keep myself from crying and feeling paranoid. I kept thinking, _but what if Karma hates me now?_

Around 8 o'clock I heard the latch of the front door unlock. I looked up from my place on the couch where I had been laying for several hours without movement.

"Hey," Lauren said, seeing me.

"Hi," I said, moving my eyes back to the tv. Lauren had been super sweet lately but she didn't have to be worrying about me. She walked around to the couch and sat down at my feet, brushing her hair away from her back.

"Help?" She asked. I sat up and unzipped her dress for her. "Necklace?" I pulled the small chain from her neck and tried to undo it but it was so little and my stupid hands couldn't get the tiny latch.

"Where's Karma?" She asked.

"Apparently I'm not allowed to have the fire," I groaned. I could smell Lauren's delicate perfume and it made me smile because her stuffed dog smelt like that, gentle, pleasing, and soft.

"What happened," she asked, turning around.

"I kissed her, almost right after you left."

"And?" She fiddled with the necklace herself, her eyes not leaving mine. I watched how effortlessly she could take it off herself but I didn't mention it because it was sweet, nice of her to let me. I needed distractions, I needed contact with other humans. Lauren was starting to seem so sweet I almost wanted to cry just realizing these little things, like the smell of her dog and the feel of her bed and the way she worried about me even though she had no real reason too.

"I think she liked it at first but I ran my hand up her side and she stopped me."

"How far up her side?" She cocked an intrigued eyebrow.

"Lets just say I was dangerously close her bra," I said feeling idiotic.

"Amy," she laughed. "Even if she had been your girlfriend she might not have been ready for that."

"She slept with Liam! His hands have been all over her." I crossed my arms feeling bitter and gross.

"That's interesting though," Lauren said, looking down and thinking with a queer smile.

"What is?"

"The kissing was fine but the hands?" She seemed happy to hear it. She nodded to herself as if she now knew something very telling. "How were you kissing her?" Lauren asked. "Show me."

"What do you mean show you?"

"Use me," she said. "How were you sitting."

"Lauren, that's stupid."

"Oh come on, we're sisters. If I'm going to try and analyze Karma's state of mind I need to put myself in her shoes."

"You don't have to do that," I smiled.

"I want to," she smiled back, blushing.

"Fine," I relented, standing up. "She was over there," I said, pointing to the spot on the couch where I had just been. "She was eating strawberries and she tried to feed me one."

"Of course she did," Lauren said rather angered. She moved to the spot and sat there. "And then what?" She asked.

"Then," I sighed. "She pulled me down by my wrist." Lauren took her hand and pulled me down.

"Like that?" She asked, locking her eye with mine.

"Yeah," I gasped, laughing.

"And then?" She was so close and so funny. I didn't get it but her game was at least fun.

"Then I was mad about the strawberries and all I could think was fight fire with fire," I scanned Lauren's eyes. It was enough information to show her how I was feeling then, how I was ready to jump her bones and touch her in all of her places.

"So you looked at her like this?" Lauren asked.

"Yup, just like this," I said, my heart speeding up. For some reason we were both staring at each other almost like it was a contest. It was serious but not, intriguing but important too. There was something great about it.

"And then?" Lauren asked, breaking my thoughts. I felt Lauren's hand pull at me and then I fell. She leaned back and I caught myself just an inch from her lips, my body just close to touching hers and burying hers as I had burried Karma's just hours before in that same very spot.

"Then I kissed her, like this," I said, my breath catching, eyes scanning.

"Seems sexy," Lauren gulped, looking down at my lips and smiling.

"It was," I smiled lightly, staring at her lips then her eyes.

"Okay," Lauren said, her cheeks were growing red. She sat up and pushed me back with her body first and then her hands. "If she let you get that close she really likes you."

"But you let me get that close and you don't want-"

"That's besides the point," she cut me off.

"How?!" She was so silly, all her theories seemed half-baked.

"IT'S NOT IMPORTANT!" She growled, standing up. "Come on," she said walking off to her room.

I followed slowly. I liked Lauren now, I really did. The more time I spent with her like this the more I felt like we were actually friends, like really close friends. It was weird but nice. With everything going on with Karma I needed a friend.

"Sit," Lauren said. She let her dress fall of her of and I watched her rummage for something comfy to wear in her underwear.

"Damn girl," I said, joking. She had fancy underwear, small matching, lovely. She may have gone for 50's housewife on the outside but beneath that classy veneer she was victoria secret model come-hither.

"Okay, don't be gay right now," she said, pulling a pair of pink sweats from her dresser and hurrying to put them on. I didn't feel that I was bothering her. She always rushed her movements, it was just her way.

"How was your date?" I asked. She had asked me all about Karma. I had ran her through it all. I hadn't thought to ask once about the date.

"Eh, it was shit. He was weird. Just as I expected."

"Ahh.. I'm sorry. That sucks."

"It's fine, you can't force those things," she said, wrapping her hair up in a messy bun and tieing it there with a hair-tie. She still hadn't put a shirt on. "You're staring," she blushed, turning around.

"Sorry," I said. Now that I knew I liked Karma it was like girls were starting to look hot to me. IT was never like that before but now. I chastised myself. _EVEN LAUREN?!_ I thought. I mean, it's not that she's unattractive. She's obviously attractive. She's hot. I mean, I never saw her that way before. But now…

_BUT WE'RE SISTERS! _ I yelled at myself inside, tucking my arm around my waist and holding my stomach as it turned.

"You okay?" Lauren asked, noticing me as she turned around.

"It's weird knowing I like girls," I grumbled.

"It's only weird because you're letting yourself think that way." She had pulled an old sweater on from her old school. It looked like it probably belonged to a boy, it was way too big for her.

"Yeah but, even now with you…"

"What?" She asked.

"I stare…" She was the one who noticed.

"Amy, come on," Lauren said. "It's not weird at all if you're attracted to me."

"It is though."

"I have a body, you have a body. I have thoughts in my head. You have thoughts in your head. People are attracted to other people. It's not weird. If anything it's chemical and much more natural than trying to fight an attraction." She put her hand on my leg and my eyes opened wide. "Sorry," she said, taking it back. "Maaaaaaybe I should've have done that little exercise out there," she realized rather lately. We had been breathing so close to each other and I had wanted to just fall, just a little. I closed my eyes and flashed back to kissing Karma.

"It's okay," I said. "I'm in love with Karma anyway. Doesn't matter how hot you are or how naked you get." That made her smiled.

"See, its fine," Lauren said.

"Can I sleep in here?" The thought of trying to sleep in my bed was absurd. It probably still smelt like Liam and sex and my own stinky desperation.

"Sure," Lauren said. "Go change."

"We don't have to sleep now," I said.

"I want to and you should." It had been a long day. She knew it too.

I tip-toed over to my room and stared for a long while at my phone, on the covers, just sitting there upside down. I wanted to know if she'd called. I wanted to know but I couldn't take it if she hadn't.

I stared and stared, wanting to cry. The tinkering intro of my cellphone ring woke me up from my dread. Someone was calling. Someone was. I stepped to my phone and turned it over feeling nervous. It was her. I hit the lil green answer button on the touch-screen and pressed the phone to my ear. Anything she could say could break me. I was so close to just breaking down anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

_*Fear by Sarah Maclachlan: "But I fear I have nothing to give, I have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in your embrace, there's nothing I'd like better than to fall…"*_

**Chapter Six**

**But I Fear…**

"I'm so glad you answered," Karma said. I could hear her tight breathing through the phone. It sounded like she had been running or maybe holding her breath.

"I miss you," I said. It was stupid. Why did I miss her?

"I miss you too," she breathed. We were both too bothered to be talking, too confused to be expressing things. "Look Amy… I'm… I'm really sorry."

"I shouldn't have done that," I said.

"No, it's okay," Karma said. I scooted back on my bed and laid down with my hand on my stomach. I could feel her through the phone like she was right next to me and so very close.

"It doesn't feel okay," I said.

"I confused you and you kissed me and it felt good and I did like it," she said.

"But," I was waiting for the but. There had always been a but.

"But that's the truth. That's the whole truth."

"Karma…" Mixed signals again. Mixed signals. I felt my eyes water and I shut them tight. I had cried so much I couldn't believe I hadn't died. They say you're made of 80% water. I had to be about 15% by now and getting low.

"I wish I was holding you right now…" She said, making me ache.

"I wish I was kissing you…"

"Wow," I heard her laugh. Was it just my queerness making her laugh? Or was it something else? Should I have been more mad?

"If you want to hold me, why aren't you here?" I asked, skipping over the wow.

"I made myself leave."

"I know, I saw that."

"I… I think I'm confused."

"I think that confuses me," I said.

"When I kissed you today it felt great. When you kissed me it felt better than great."

"Karma, don't say this unless-"

"Amy, I have to tell you what I'm feeling, it's the only way you'll understand."

"Understand what?"

"Understand why this is hard."

"Because you don't love me?"

"I do love you!" She insisted.

"Just not like that."

"Stop saying that," she must've hated to hear it, how horrible it did sound. I hated it too, that's why I kept saying it. I had to remind myself so I wouldn't get lost. I had to remind myself so I wouldn't dream about her and want her more.

"Amy, when you kissed me, I reeeally liked it," she said almost pained.

"I liked it too," I whined.

"It was like floating in the ocean or that feeling you get when you're just laughing without a real reason."

"It was like I could breathe," I said. Because I couldn't breathe now.

"Yeah, that." Karma said, she must've been remembering it too.

"But?" She still hadn't gotten there.

"But when you touched me, I freaked out."

"Karma, all you're telling me is what I know." I was feeling irrationally angry now. I had been kissing her and telling her I slept with her boyfriend. I had done crazy things and turned her world upside down but still I felt it was okay to be mad at her? It wasn't okay.

"All I'm telling you is what I can," she said sweetly. And she was right. This was all new to her, all fast.

"So what do we do?" I asked.

"We breathe," she said, exhaling.

"I can't breathe like this. It's too hard." Just being on the phone with her was too taxing.

"If you were here right now I'd be kissing you," she said, throwing me off, throwing me down.

"Don't say that, please. It hurts when you say that."

"Why does it hurt? I've been thinking about it all day. I've never felt you on top of me like that. You were smothering me, you were everywhere. I got lost in you. I felt myself lost." She sounded scattered or panicked. She sounded something but I couldn't make it out. I needed to be seeing her face.

"Sorry," I said.

"Don't be." her voice sounded like she wanted it to be happening again, maybe even now.

"You're turning me on and I'm about to go sleep in Lauren's bed."

"What if I come over?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What if I come over?"

"Do you want that?" Why would she want that?

"I think I do…" She sounded sure.

"Are you okay?" I asked skeptically.

"Not really, no, but I might be if I can touch you." I shut my eyes and felt those words wash over me like they were her fingers.

"Hold on," I breathed, putting the phone down and leaving the room. I needed to talk to Lauren, she could help me with this. She could tell me what to do.

"You ready?" Lauren asked.

"Karma's on the phone, she wants to come over."

"What, now?"

"She told me she wants to kiss me."

"Ah, fuck, again?! What the hell is she doing?"

"I don't know…" I said honestly but I wanted to kiss her too, I wanted her so badly it was becoming a need.

"Fine, tell her to come."

"Are you mad?"

"I just don't want her to fuck you up anymore," Lauren said.

"It's stupid right, I should say no?"

"You want to kiss her right?"

"Of course I do," I wanted to cry.

"Tell her to come." Lauren seemed sure.

"Okay… I'm sorry."

"It's fine, shut the door." Lauren had tucked herself in and it was already dark inside her room.

When I got back to my phone the line was dead. Karma had hung up and I wasn't sure if I should call her back. I tip-toed back to Lauren's room and hovered close to her bed.

"What should I do?" I asked.

"Just try to relax," she sounded so calm.

"I can't relax."

"Come 'ere," she said, pulling the covers up and opening her arms. I crawled onto her bed and let her hold me. "What if she leaves again?"

"What if she doesn't?" Lauren asked, giving me hope.

"You're soft and you smell nice," I noticed.

"You're gay and we're sisters," she laughed.

"Still," I said, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer to me, holding her tight. "I like you like this."

"Shhhhh," Lauren said. "She'll be here soon. Then you'll leave." That was weird...

"My heart's racing," I said.

"Are you going to try to touch her breasts again?"

"Probably," I laughed.

"Smooth moves Raudenfeld," Lauren chuckled.

"How come it took us so long to get like this?" I liked it in Lauren's arms.

"I dunno, it was probably me," she sighed sadly.

"No way, it was definitely me."

"You wanted you mom to be on your side and she never was. It wasn't us," Lauren confessed. "I was dumb, I should've noticed before the shower. It wasn't right."

"What, the croquembouche?"

"Yeah, I was fighting you then. I wanted your mom to want me."

"Lauren, are you kidding?! You're her dream daughter! I'm a slob! I don't even like makeup and when we go shopping I disappear into GameStop."

"I think I was overcompensating."

"She always liked you."

"But you were hers," she hugged me tight.

"We're both hers now…"

"I know," Lauren said.

I heard the latch of the front door.

"She's here," I said.

"Okay," Lauren said, hugging me tight before letting go. "If anything happens, you can wake me up, I don't care."

"I'm sorry."

"Amy, please, stop being sorry. I love you."

"You've never said that before." I looked down at her wishing I could see her but it was too dark.

"Amy?" Karma's voice was in the hall. I snuck back to Lauren's bed and kissed her cheek.

"I love you too," I whispered.

"Go," she said.

I left her room and met Karma in the hall.


	7. Chapter 7

_*fenixfeather: that comment was perfection. my love for you is never-ending.*_

_*took it out of Amy's POV just for this chapter, it'll go back in eight*_

**Chapter Seven**

**So This Is Love?**

**Part I**

As soon as Karma saw her she pulled her close and kissed her, moving her hand up into Amy's hair and holding at the skin on her neck, pulling her closer and wanting her to be touching her right there, right then.

"Mmmm, whoa," Amy said, pulling back from Karma and moving Karma's hand off her neck. "Karma, whoa," she said, wanting her to slow down.

"I know," Karma said intently, her eyes searching Amy's her chest high and floating, her mind in the stars.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked trying to stop her. Karma's hand had been shaking and she was holding it.

"I couldn't get here fast enough," Karma said nervously. Amy took her hand and pulled her into her room, shutting the door.

When she turned around Karma was at her again, holding her close with a hand sliding under her shirt and pressing her close by her back. Amy felt her chest rise and her hands come down to pull Karma off of her and make her stop. When Karma came at her like that it was overwhelming. It was like those old cartoons of Pepe Le Pew, that crazy amorous skunk who just wanted to devour that poor confused kitten.

"What is this, what's happening?!" Amy needed to know. She needed to know this wouldn't just be a one-time thing.

"I wanna try. I wanna be with you," Karma was almost begging with her eyes, almost pleading.

"Karma, you shouldn't have to try."

"You know what I mean!" Karma groaned, dropping her purse and turning around. She kicked her shoes off and threw her shirt off over her head in one swift motion.

"Whoa!" Amy said. She watched as Karma moved to unzip her skirt and wiggle out of it.

"Karma no!" Amy said, shouting.

"I thought, I thought you wanted this," Karma said, walking close to grab her again. Amy's hands came up to hold her off. She held at Karma's wrists to stop her. Karma was already trying to remove her clothes and get her naked.

"This is fast Karma," Amy suddenly felt like crying. It wasn't real. She should've known. This couldn't be real, not if it was rushed and impersonal and just skin on skin and a sexual experience without thought. This is how she and Liam had done it. Thoughtless. Emotionless. Just sex.

"What are you talking about?!" Karma moved her hands up to her ears and began taking off her earrings. Amy watched feeling nervous. She wanted Karma but not like this, not in a rush and as a result of a split-second decision to try.

"Karma no," Amy said. As much as she wanted her something wasn't right about it all.

"Hey, it's just me," Karma said, slowing it down for a sec and bracing Amy with her hands. She took her hand slowly up to Amy's cheek and watched her for a second, moving in close to kiss her. The kiss was soft and sweet, it was slow unlike everything else. Amy felt Karma moving into her, pushing her back until the back of her knees hit the bed and she fell.

As soon as she fell she rolled. Karma was going to fall down on top of her. Instead Karma fell onto Amy's comforter and turned around with a laugh.

"What are you doing? Why are you being weird?" Karma asked.

"This doesn't mean anything to you," Amy said hugging herself, tears rushing her eyes. She wanted to disappear. This couldn't be happening. This was somehow worse than before. "I can't believe this. This doesn't mean anything." She couldn't fight it, the tears just came. Just when she thought she couldn't possibly cry more the tears flooded her and came spilling out, dripping off her face and making her ill.

"Amy, no," Karma said, getting up from the bed. She was just wearing her underwear and she felt like an idiot because she knew she had done something wrong.

She walked to Amy but Amy stepped back. "Go. You have to go." Amy said.

"Amy, why? It's okay, we don't have to do anything-"

"Go!" Amy yelled.

Across the hall Lauren had heard Amy yell. She got up from the bed, her heart tugging her to act. She opened her door and came out to knock for Amy.

"Amy? Are you okay?" She asked feeling worried.

"I'm not!" Amy cried, still hugging herself. "But I will be."

"Amy…" Karma just stood there staring. She was dumbfounded. All she had wanted was to kiss her and kiss her hard. She thought that's what Amy wanted. What was happening?! What was going on?! "We don't have to do anything," Karma said.

"I can't be with you right now." Amy said, wiping her face. She couldn't look at her, she couldn't look at Karma not after that.

"But, what did I do?!" Karma asked feeling desperate. "Amy, tell me what I did."

"You didn't do anything, just go. I can't…" She breathed in hard, the way she only did when the crying became too much to control. She couldn't breathe she was having a panic attack.

Outside the door Lauren had been listening like a hawk.

"I'm coming in!" She yelled, hearing the sobs. She rushed to Amy and held her. From the state of things something had happened. Karma was almost naked but Amy was dressed. "What did you do?!" Lauren yelled looking over at Karma who was still standing there and wondering the very same thing herself.

"I dunno," Karma said, tears rushing her, emotions taking her down. No matter what she did she was wrong, she was always wrong.

Lauren looked up at Amy and held her face. "It's okay, it's okay…" Lauren said, pulling Amy's head onto her shoulder and holding her softly. "Come here…" Lauren said, she was crying now too. "Shhhh…." She whispered, holding her gently.

"I'm sorry," Karma whined. She was apologizing but she had no idea what she did. She gathered her close and left, getting dressed in the living room alone amongst the sound of her own sobbing and her own confusion. She squeezed her eyes with her fingers and wished she could just be different. Everything was always so hard.

When she left she sat in her car all night, never leaving. She didn't know why but she couldn't go. She thought of Amy inside and cried. And she fell asleep in the backseat all alone.

**Part II**

Inside it was hard too. Lauren had known it had been too good to be true. How often does it happen that love is actually answered with love?

She walked Amy into her room and laid her down on her bed, shutting the door and wrapping her tightly into the covers and into her arms.

"It's okay, it'll be okay," she tried to comfort her but Amy was lost and crying hard, holding her so tight and refusing to let go. Lauren just lay there hoping she was at least some kind of help.

It made everything worse that Lauren knew nothing of what happened. Karma had only been there for two minutes, that was all. In two minutes Karma was naked and Amy was crying to the point of hysterics. Lauren wasn't sure what to do.

She held her and pet her hair and she felt the tears on neck and her skin, Amy's tears. It was overwhelming her, she wanted to cry too. Knowing not what to do she decided to try something. In the darkness and the quiet Lauren began to sing a song. She started slow and then began to sing faster as Amy quieted.

"You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. You, have knocked me off my feet again and got me feelin' like a nothing. You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard callin' me out when I'm wounded. You, pickin' on the weaker man."

Somewhere in there Amy quieted and actually started to laugh.

"What are you doing?!" Lauren asked with a smile. "Are you making fun of me right now?!" Lauren stopped feeling angered.

"Are you seriously singing me Taylor Swift right now?!"

"Yeah, so, it worked," Lauren smiled.

"Ugg, I love you," Amy said, hugging her tight. She couldn't imagine being alone right now. Lauren had made her laugh so hard after all that had happened.

"You're such a jerk." Lauren said.

"i know," Amy said, still chuckling. "Keep singing." Amy said. "Please." She tucked her eyes into Lauren's neck and realized that she was actually on top of her. They were so weird. She exhaled into Lauren's neck and held at her with a hand on the other side.

Lauren sang and tried not to feel these feelings she was starting to feel. With Amy's breath on her skin and her hand on her neck and her body on top of her and her arms holding her tight and her sweet smile so close and the way that she laughed and felt safe, all Lauren could think was, _damn_. _Damn, damn, damn. _


	8. Chapter 8

_*the last chapter was probably the only chapter in this story that will be written out of Amy's POV. I just wanted to add some Cooperfeld feels.*_

_*kinda blown away by the welcome reception for this fic but i love it and i will take it*_

_*Karma is an extremely misunderstood character and Karma and Amy are two very different people. that's honestly why they are so fun to write. Amy could be thinking something and it's something karma wouldn't ever think. so the morning after the morning after is all about a misunderstanding like that.*_

**Chapter Eight**

**Hey Good Girl, Get Out While You Can**

**Part I**

When I opened my eyes the space seemed familiar. For a second I thought, _this must be a dream._ But then I stirred and felt that someone was underneath me. Someone soft and small and nowhere near the size of Liam.

I remembered two nights ago and felt my insides churn. I was still sore from that somehow but I had put that out of my mind yesterday. I couldn't think about what I had done even though I felt the space where he had been almost constantly. No one else had ever been there…

"Oh, whoops," I said, moving carefully to get off of her. When I did though, she rolled onto me and hugged me. She must've been asleep. "Oh boy…" I sighed, chuckling to myself. I moved her arm and got up. The light was streaming bright from the crack in Lauren's blinds. Behind it I could vaguely make out the shape of Karma's car parked outside on the street outside my house.

She was there. Had she stayed? Nervously I felt the remorse from how I had panicked and left things with her last night. What had happened had been a surprise. There was no doubt in my mind that I jumped head-first into my negative assumptions. Karma and me, we had always been different. So stupid. It was so so stupid of me to assume that she was rushing because she didn't care. That wasn't Karma. Karma always cared.

Rushing is something I would do. But with anyone else, anyone who wasn't her. She had never been like me. Not ever. Not in any way.

I clutched at my stomach and walked into my room. I would change. I had to see her. Had to explain.

Outside it was already beginning to get hot. I peered over at her car from the steps of my house feeling hesitant and idiotic and broken. Maybe it was stupid to try and explain. All talking has done until now is make everything more complicated. I thought it could help but now I'm wishing I could go back, rewind, retract that toast, keep my secret safe inside myself. I thought things had been complicated before but this…

I crossed the street and stared in through the window. She was there on the seat in the same outfit. The one she had worn last night. It was the outfit she tore off herself as she smiled excitedly and moved to touch me. _Oh God, why am I remembering her smile right now?_ She was so fucking happy and shaking. It had been fast but those were, they were, strong feelings.

Maybe it had just been the circumstance though. Perhaps I wasn't rash? _Yeah Amy… Keep telling yourself that._

I knocked on the window and watched her wake. She woke unhappy and nervous as if sleep hadn't even touched her at all. There was no relief and no confusion. She knew where she was and she remembered everything now, probably even better than she did last night right after it had happened. I saw her brows rise apologetically as she sat up and clicked the door, pushing it open.

"Amy," she sighed. It was like saying _hi_ but less happy and more desperate and it sounded a lot like saying the word _good_ in response to something happening, something that was unexpected but necessary.

"You slept out here?!" _And just when I thought I couldn't possible feel worse…_

"How are you?" She asked. And those were her first words. Tenderly asked might I add. _Fucking kill me. Just fucking hit me with a shovel. Throw me out. I am scum. I am trash. I am rubble._

"Crazy. Stupid. Emotional. A horrible friend." I whined, turning to sit down on the grass bank by the car.

"Oh sweetie, no," she got up, moving sleepily out of the car to comfort me. How could she actually call me sweetie at a time like this? The last thing I did was reject her body and yell at her to leave. What the fuck was I on?!

"No Karma, I'm the worst. When I think of-" I stopped myself. She sat by my side and held me by the shoulders.

"Amy, it's fine," Karma said.

"It's not!" I flipped, standing up. "It's not fine. We-" I moved my hands between us as she stood to. "We are not fine. This isn't what fine looks like. Fine was two years ago. Fine was watching Twilight in a movie theater and laughing and throwing popcorn. Fine was waking up and knowing I'd see you and we'd make each other smile. This isn't that. We're no longer that. This is not that!" The words tumbled out of me like venom. I watched them bite her and take hold. I watched as her body relaxed into defeat, losing all of its hopefulness and will.

"Karma, say something," I said. I was shaking again. I wished that would fucking stop happening. I wished I could control my words and my body and all the things I was thinking. That would make life easy. That could fix it all.

She shook her head like she did at the wedding. "I can't," she said, tears stinging her eyes. It was just like before on the wedding night. I could never see that face again without also hearing those words, _just not like that._

That face now meant incomprehensible pain. Fathomless. A well of: _I can't_. There was so much "I can't" in that face that if it could somehow turn into liquid I would drown instantly and right where I stood.

"Do you want to come inside?" What else could I say?

"I better go home. My mom's probably worried."

"I can call her?" I offered.

"Fine," she said, looking just as broken as I felt. But she didn't take my hand when we walked and she hugged herself even though it was warm.

I was really starting to hate the fact that it was summer.

**Part II**

I let her sleep on my bed and I even watched her for a little while. Lauren came to check on me once. She seemed surprised and annoyed to see Karma in my bed and me just sitting there by her side like Karma was ill and/or dying. She was right though, it felt dire and it wasn't. Karma wasn't dying, and neither was I, but it did feel like we were losing each other one big piece at a time.

I needed to calm down and breathe. Say less, feel less, become less. I needed to become myself again but how could I even do that? How can you go back once everything has changed?

I felt it again, that place where Liam had been. There had been blood when I woke up. I didn't tell anyone that. I googled stuff though and I guess it was normal. I'm a paranoid person. The urge to go to a doctor just in case was beginning to eat at me. But I couldn't tell my mom… Not this.

"Lauren?" I snuck out for a sec and tip-toed into Lauren's room.

"Hey," Lauren said. She was flipping through one of those humongous fashion magazines with a billion adds in it and listening to Carrie Underwood. Again.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked.

"Sure," she said, sitting up. I sat down next to her and wondered how to ask.

"You know I slept with Liam right?"

"Unfortunately," she hid a strange blush.

"Well… He was my first," I began.

"Okay…" She probably wondered why I was talking to her.

"I… I dunno…" I said. "It's just, there was blood and I think I should go to a doctor."

"Holy shit! Amy?! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING YESTERDAY?!" She yelled.

"I dunno, I was trying to ignore it?"

"Yeah! Jesus! Of course! By all means! LET'S JUST IGNORE IT!" She hit herself in the forehead to sarcastically demonstrate my own stupidity.

"Has anyone ever told you that you are fucking terrifying?!" She asked.

"Not really, no," I laughed awkwardly. "Why?"

"You're like a little kid. You shouldn't be having sex. You shouldn't even be going outside!"

"Oh, and you should be?" I asked defiantly. I was no more ridiculous than her. _Right?_

Okay, maybe I was a little bit more ridiculous and dumb and childish. Lauren never would've slept on an impulse to go to the doctor. But I had done that.

"Shut up," Lauren said point-blank. She got up from the bed and googled something on her computer.

"So…"

"Give me your phone," she ordered, holding out her hand.

"Okay," I shrugged, handing it over. She took it and quickly dialed a number she had seen on her screen. "What are you doing?" I asked nervously.

"Shhh," she said. "Hi, yes. I need and appointment with an OBGYN." I gasped. "Amy Raudenfeld." She said my name. "Uh-huh, yeah. No just a check-up." I couldn't believe her. "3:30?" She looked over at me questioning. I just covered my face with my hands, this was the worst. "Sounds good," she said. And like that it had been done.

"LAUREN!" I yelled. I laid back on her bed. Just then Karma peeked through the door knocking lightly.

"So, is she going to take you or am I going to have to do that as well?" Lauren asked.

"Take you where?" Karma asked sadly. She still seemed defeated and dazed.

"It's nothing," I tried to say.

"Obgyn," Lauren bit.

"LAUREN!" I yelled. There were no secrets I guess. No secrets.

"Obgyn? What? Why? Is this…" I saw as worry flushed her face.

"No-" I said. This was not why I had turned her away last night and sent her out of the house.

"Well, she was a virgin," Lauren stated. She was scribbling something down on a piece of paper.

"Amy?" Karma asked looking worried.

"Its fine," I tried.

"Did he?! Are you okay?" She looked like she was about to burst into tears again.

"Oh, calm down drama queens." Lauren stood up and walked over to Karma. She pressed a note to Karma's chest and Karma grabbed it. "Planned Parenthood. 3:30." Then she turned to me. "If she doesn't take you I will."

Then she walked out of her room leaving the both of us there.

"Amy, can we please talk about this?" Karma begged.

"It's not a big deal," now I was the one hugging myself.

"If he hurt you, it actually is." She said.

"He didn't" I tried. "I mean, when you …" I stopped myself. "When you and he…"

"Amy, what?" She walked close and grabbed my hand.

"Was there blood?" I asked.

"No." She looked at me nervously. "Amy, no. There was no blood."

"I mean, I read it's normal." I covered. "I never really did anything before so…"

"Oh," Karma said, her eyes closing tight in embarrassment and relief. "I did, I guess," she confessed thinking back. "Alone." She made sure to say.

I didn't know what to say. The admission was too embarrassing for words.

"Well, okay then," we both laughed.

"Still think you're such a perv?" She smiled. I could tell she was trying not to look at me. She must've known her eyes on mine made me uncomfortable. Especially given the subject matter.

"A little bit…" I couldn't help laughing though.

"It feels so good to hear you laugh," she smiled. Her hand felt tender in mine and just right. It always did.

"Is it too weird? Can you take me?" Making my best friend take me to the doctor after I slept with her boyfriend? Now, this was a new low.

"Oh God! Of course I'll take you." Karma forgot we had been having a discussion. It was good to hear her laugh too. "I'm not going to make you go through that with Lauren," Karma said.

I wanted to say, _shut up about Lauren_, but I didn't. Karma couldn't know. She couldn't know that Lauren was actually sweet and helpful and the perfect friend to have in a disaster. She couldn't know because it hadn't happened to her. She hadn't been through it. She hadn't been there.

"I like her," I decided to say.

"Okay," Karma relented, accepting it as a must-be fact. If I liked something she always wanted to like it too. Her eyes softened and she smiled. "I just don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about this stuff." There was so much stuff I wasn't even sure what she was referring to. "I want to be here for you," she said.

"And you have been" I said. "It's just been weird." She couldn't be. I couldn't talk to her, not without Lauren.

"I know," she said. It had been weird.


	9. Chapter 9

_*eek. this chapter is really long and depressing*_

_*this chapter has a lot of blecky girl stuff. going to planned parenthood and going to the gyno for the first time is definitely not a desirable experience but I wanted to put it in because karma standing by amy at the gyno is pretty much the most adorable thing in the world*_

_*when I was in my teens I went with a friend to planned parenthood and she got birthcontrol and tested and she got info on safe sex and things like that. It was good to know that if I was embarrassed about asking my mom for birth control I could just go to planned parenthood and do that on the down low. i already had birth control by then though. my mom beat me to the punch.*_

_*if you are a woman in the states (even a teen) and in a sticky situation where you need to be seen for something but you do not have insurance: Planned parenthood is a great place to start. A lot of the services are free or at least very affordable. If you are a teen and you want something basic like birthcontrol, depending on your state you may be able to get these things without your parents knowing… I know that I could've gotten them without my parents knowing when I was a teen. So just some fyi. Be safe.*_

**The Morning After**

**Chapter 9**

**I'm Sorry I Am…**

**Part I**

Karma drove me in her car. We hadn't done much in the meantime. We ate and watched E! And Lauren told us all about her failure of a date and how tragic it was. I felt bad for her really. She deserved someone nice. The guy had been a sleaze and he kept making sexual comments and staring at her boobs. Just the thought of him made me want to go postal. I kept trying to get her to show me a picture but she wouldn't do it.

Even now, in the car, I was still thinking about how badly I wanted to deck the guy.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me about this," Karma broke my clouded thoughts.

"Have you been waiting three hours to say that?" I asked.

"Maybe," Karma relented, looking over at me in the passenger seat and taking my hand. "I freaked out when you mentioned the blood. In my head I was just thinking-"

"I'm fine," I stopped her. Maybe I just knew I couldn't handle what she was thinking right now. Not on top of everything else.

"Yeah… Right… I'll never know." She said sadly.

"I wouldn't keep it from you if he had done something," I sighed feeling grumpy.

"I hope not…"

"Karma, I wouldn't. And he didn't. So just stop."

"I still can't believe you and him."

"I am SO sorry." I said. How many times would I have to say it before she knew? I wasn't mad at her for not hearing it but god damn did I feel like shit.

"It's not even that though." She sighed. "With you, it's like... I know why you did it." She said. Again, she obviously wasn't angry, just sort of defeated. "I knew right away that it couldn't just be about the sex."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Amy," she smiled. "I know you."

"And what do you know?"

"I know that you were never interested in a romantic relationship with Liam Booker. Even at the threesome I knew."

"Yeah, except you ran out of there like a bat outta hell," I scoffed, reliving it.

"Yeah, because when you kissed me it felt like home."

"Awwww," I fawned, unable to control it. That was probably the sweetest thing she had ever fucking said to me ever. MIXED SIGNAAAAAALS!

"Shut up," she blushed.

"Why couldn't I just want to sleep with Liam Booker?" I asked, annoyed with myself.

"I'm just saying, if you actually wanted that I would've known by now."

"Right… So what did I want than all-knowing one?"

"I don't know…" She seemed nervous about that.

"You thought I did it to prove something? What would I be proving?"

"I dunno… when… after…"

"HUh? What?! What are you saying?" It was too easy to make fun of her when she was frazzled and confused about something. Karma loved to be honest and over-share so this was actually a conversation we would have to have eventually no matter how I tried to stop it.

"Yesterday, when we were kissing…" She started, making me squirm. "When you moved your hand up my body-"

"Weee, reeeeally don't have to talk about that." I tried to stop her.

"No, I want to," she said.

"Karma…" I whined. She made everything too real.

"Amy, come on. Just let me talk."

"Fine," I said. I was already feeling nervous about the appointment and now she was making everything even weirder.

"When you touched me like that, I just… I think I freaked out."

"And? What does this have to do with anything we were talking about a second ago?!" How did she do that?! SHE ALWAYS DID THAT! No matter what we were talking about before it would always come back to us.

"Everything." She said. "It has everything to do with what we've been talking about."

"How?!" I wanted to scream.

"I slept with Liam AFTER the failed attempt at a threesome."

"So?"

"So, don't you see? Don't you get it?!"

"Get what?" There was nothing to see.

"I slept with him AFTER our kiss."

"The threesome kiss?" I asked.

"Yeah. THEE kiss," she said.

"Oh, so that's THEE kiss, now? We've dubbed it and everything?"

"It is to me." Karma said looking serious.

"And by THEE kiss you mean, THEE kiss where YOU felt something for me?" I couldn't stop my lips from curving into a smile. She was thinking about us all the time. It was like she couldn't stop. I had to feel good about that despite it all. I just had to.

"Pretty much," Karma sighed.

"Waaaaaait a second." I was starting to see it now from her point of view. "Why the fuck did YOU sleep with Liam?!" I asked almost amazed. She had been implying that I slept with Liam to try and prove something to myself and then she started talking about THEE kiss like it was the reason she too slept with Liam.

I stared at her for a while and she just stared at the road not answering.

"TALK!" I yelled, shaking her from her calm.

"All I know is, I did it. And after I did that I felt happy, for a little while." She sounded so sad…

"Until?"

"Until the wedding," she said honestly.

"Because of me?"

"Because of everything," she said.

"And everything IS code for Amy Ruadenfeld. I know that now."

"Amy, come on. You're not listening. I've been telling you everything I know as soon as I know it and you're still acting like I am keeping things from you and intentionally making things hard."

"You did keep from me though… That you slept with him… You kept that from me…"

"Amy…"

"No, I get it. You want to not be a lesbian. Cool. Good for you. Almost wish I had the strength to think about us like that," I didn't know. I didn't wish that. I loved Karma with all of my goddamn heart. I would never wish to NOT show her love. No one could love her like me.

"That's really not fair," she sighed. Something in the way she was breathing was making me nervous. It was almost like she wasn't breathing no matter how hard she tried. She was sitting up so straight and staring out at the road. And that stormy look was still their in her eyes, that troubled look. I shouldn't be fighting her now. Looking at her, I was sure that I had been wrong.

"Look, I'm sorry. I really didn't want to talk about any of this…" I said.

"I know… I made you…" She said.

We were quiet after that… Too quiet.

**Part II**

Inside Planned Parenthood there were tons of other girls. It was all women really. I couldn't even find a boyfriend loitering around or a concerned father or anything like that. I checked the walls and doors but there weren't any NO BOYS ALLOWED signs so that was odd.

"Have you ever been here before?" I asked Karma.

"Don't you think you'd know if I had?" She asked back sort of coldly. I felt her slip her hand into mine and squeeze. She must've felt bad for snapping.

"I guess you're right," I said. Karma told me everything, she always did. The more I thought about that the more I started to feel like an absolute asshole. She never would've kept a secret from me for this long. She never would've kept it inside that she had feelings for me. At least, I don't think she would. She did keep that secret about Liam but I know why she did that. She knew I would be VERY upset. Maybe she knew I couldn't take it.

"We don't have to go if you don't want to," she said, still trying to comfort me.

"No, it's okay. It's the right thing to do."

"I'll be just out here."

"Karma, no way. You're coming with me."

"Amy…" She seemed very hesitant.

"What?"

"They make you get naked in there, you know that right?"

"Yeah, but there's like a gown or something right? I mean, she's not just going to be putting me under a microscope or anything."

"True," Karma chuckled. "Are you sure? I mean she's gonna ask you things and you might not be ready for me to know them too."

"I don't want to keep secrets from you…" It was the truth. For the past few months I'd been doing it but that was just because it was almost easier to keep my mouth shut. It had been wrong for me to do it but it had been the easy thing. Working myself up to say all the things I wanted to say? Yeah, that had been hard. But to keep things inside? It made life temporarily easy. But now I realize it was probably the wrong way. I mean look at where we are now. Look at this situation and what repressing things had done to us. If I had just told Karma right away I never would've slept with Liam. Not ever.

"Okay," she sighed. "Come on then." I wish I knew what she was thinking. Was this weird for her? Was that why she wanted to back out? Was it the conversation in the car? Was I doing everything wrong? It sure felt like I was…

"Name?"

"Amy Raudenfeld."

"Raudenfeld, Raudenfeld, there you are! OBGYN. Aaaand you have insurance?"

"I do but…"

"But?"

"But I kinda don't want my mom to know about this."

"Oh…" She paused and typed something into her machine. "That's okay, since it's just a checkup." The nurse said. "Any reason why you're here?"

"I-I had sex," I stuttered sheepishly at a near whisper.

"Ooookay. Any reason beyond that?"

"There was some bleeding. I just wanted to make sure-"

"Good enough, good enough. I'll just write that down on your chart. You know that's common right?"

"I do, yes. But I don't have birth control either and-"

"Okay, good. Glad you came." The woman said, stopping me. She seemed used to it though. Karma squeezed my hand. She could probably tell that I was nervous. Karma had birth control. My mom would never allow it. She wanted me to be smart so she just didn't provide it in hopes that I would wait until marriage and do the right thing. And no, it was never lost on me that it was fine to be married and have a child young but not fine to have sex young without being married. My mom confused me with her logic, she always did. But it wasn't her fault, that dad had gone. I'll never know if they could've weathered the storm.

"Alright, just fill out these forms and bring them back," the woman said. I was desperately hoping I wouldn't have to pay for anything. All I had was a ten dollar bill in my pocket. Just that and the credit card mom had left. If planned parenthood showed up on her bill I'd be dead. We'd have to talk about it. But I guess there were worse things to talk about. Like how I fell in love with Karma, my best best friend, and a girl no less. If my mom could take that she could take anything. If I stumbled in pregnant and told her about it she'd probably be relieved. It hurt to know. It hurt so much. What kind of mother would rather her daughter be pregnant out of wedlock than have her be a lesbian? I didn't want to think about it. If I thought about it too much I'd cry.

"Would you call yourself sexually active?" Karma asked.

"You're joking right?"

"Yes, Amy. I am joking," she smirked. She was filling out my forms for me. She knew all the answers. She was cute but goddamn it! "Could you at least try to calm down? I'm getting an ulcer just sitting next to you."

"Sorry," I sighed. "This is weird." I held my head in my hands.

"It's really not."

"You said yourself, you've never done this."

"My mom took me to the doctor in 5th grade remember? That was weird."

"Ugg… Remind me again? What was that all about?" Of course I forgot important things about Karma's life. I was an asshole. Assholes did things like that.

"We were being forced to go through that whole class on our female bodies, remember? You were there." We had even been in the same class. I vaguely remembered. I hadn't gotten my period yet so it was all sort of a blur. I didn't care about that stuff and I just wished it had never been a topic under discussion.

"I remember that Mrs. Aaron sent us home with tampons and pads and a chart of the technical names of all our ucky pink body parts."

"See. That's it."

"And then what?" This was a welcome distraction actually. If I thought about Karma's awkward doctor trip it definitely made me feel better about my own.

"My mom wanted to get me birth control as early as possible since it was a rite of passage. She's always loved rites of passage. But honestly, she should've waited."

"So weird…" What else could I say?

"I know," Karma continued. She was still lightly reading and checking off little boxes on my chart. "I had a pap smear then, it was reeeally weird."

"Wait, what's that again?"

"You'll probably get one today. They kinda hurt if you're not used to it."

"Not used to what?"

"Oh, you know, uncomfortable things being shoved up you like you're some sort of lab rat."

"Wait?! WHAT?! KARMA!" I stood up.

"Shhhhhh," she said, pulling me back down to her side. "Sit down," she said aggressively. "You'll be fine."

"Nobody said anything about being probed in there!" I whispered angrily.

"Eh, it's not like that really."

"But they stick something in you?"

"Yeah, they put this tool in you, sometimes it's cold, sometimes it's not."

"Why though?!"

"It's normal, they have to take a swab and look inside."

"INSIDE WHAT?!"

"INSIDE!" Karma yelled, getting angry with me.

"Goddamnit!" I muttered under my breath. "Nobody tells me anything! Nobody ever tells me shit! This is horrible Karma! Can we go?"

"You already had sex. You'll be fine. Calm down."

"Yeah but Karma, there was blood, and it kinda hurt, and it's been sore ever since, and I don't think I sho-"

"Shhhhhhh," she said, trying to calm me. I was rambling. I did that. She held my hand and brushed a hand over my face to calm me. Every time she looked in my eyes that way it worked no matter what. I got calm. It worked. "Shhhh. I'll be right here with you. If it's too uncomfortable the doctor will stop and we'll leave, okay?"

"Fuck…" I didn't want it. I didn't want any of it.

"You need to do this.. If not for birth control then at least to make sure you're okay."

"I'm not going to be having sex again," I said. To which Karma laughed.

"WHAT?!" I yelled. How could she be fucking laughing at a time like this?!

"You will definitely be having sex again."

"No, I really wont." I shook my head and moved away from her a little.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Lesbians don't need birth control, Karma."

"Oh what, so you're just a lesbian now?" She asked with a blush in her cheek. It sounded stupid once it had stumbled out of her mouth and she knew it right away. She probably regretted it too.

"I think so," I said, pointing my knees away from hers and looking off to the tv that was playing some horrible talk show.

She didn't speak after that and neither did I. She dropped my chart off with the nurse and when she came back she turned her knees in towards mine and hugged me around the shoulders, resting her head near mine and sighing sadly.

It only took three awkward minutes of silence before my name was called. Karma held my hand the whole time. She held my hand while she was mad. She held my hand while she thought God knows what about my lesbian comment. She held my hand on the way to the nurse and she held my hand until the nurse told her to let go because they were going to weigh me.

**Part III**

In the Doctor's office Karma sat on the simple blue chair while I undressed and covered myself with the paper shirt and the thick towel-like cloth. She was right about it all. I felt awfully naked in there, despite what they gave. It was like trying to cover yourself with only part of a cheap-ass table cloth, the kind you buy at target for a child's birthday party. The kind that tear and fall off if you don't tape the shit out of them and force them to stay.

"Okay," I said, once I felt covered enough. Karma stood up and walked to hold my hand again and look down at me.

"Are you having fun yet?" She smiled, breaking our silence. I wanted to kiss her too, just for talking and not hating me.

"You're such an ass," I scoffed trying to be mad.

"I know," she smiled. She knew I couldn't be mad. She couldn't either.

It was strange being in a room like that and knowing I was going to have to use stirrups and put my feet up and have someone look down there and touch down there and maybe even stick something inside me down there.

"Look, it won't be bad. I'm sorry I said that." She coughed, clearing her throat. "My first time really hurt," she confessed. "I mean, I was only about 9 and they put something inside me." It was sad hearing it. She must've told me back then but I'd have no idea about what that would feel like or how that could affect her then. "They used a cold metal tool and what it did was, it spread me open all around and put pressure everywhere and I had to feel that for a solid five minutes while the doctor did his thing and swabbed everything. He was painfully slow and my mom wasn't helping with all of her questions. I cried quietly and no one cared," she confessed. "I wish you had been there is all…"

"Fuck, I'm so sorry," I said, wanting to cry.

"All girls go through it. It's normal. I think I was just way too young. My mom was crazy to send me in that early. They've stopped doing it that early in the states. Unless you've been touched or raped or something like that, they at least wait until you're in middle school."

I looked up at her and wished I could go back in time and do so many things over again.

_Knock, knock, knock. _

"Come in," I said. It was a woman, thank God.

"Hi there, and who do we have here?" The woman asked.

"I'm Karma, we're best friends."

"Well hello Karma and hello Amy. You two are a bit young but that's not uncommon," the doctor said. She sat down on a stool and turned to look at us. "Now, what brings you in today."

"Umm, oh, that's me," I said, realizing it was my turn to talk again. "I had sex for the first time and there was some bleeding and I just wanted to make sure it wasn't anything I should worry about."

"Okay, that's good." The doctor said. "Bleeding doesn't happen to everyone but it happens sometimes and it's usually a result of too much force being placed on the area. If you're new to sex, which you've just told me you are, you probably just rushed into things physically and got a little too rough down there. Does the area hurt at all?"

"It does, sort of, yeah…" She talked so fast.

"Okay, see. This is something that happens to a lot of women. So it's not unnatural or uncommon and usually it's not really something to worry about. You're not alone. For the first few times it is very common for most women to have bleeding. As a doctor I always suggest getting familiar with your body before being intimate with others. But seeing as you're already sexually active I suggest being careful and trying to go slow. Especially your first few times. Just know that if you start to feel discomfort during sex it's usually because something is wrong. And that doesn't mean panic but it does mean you need to communicate with your partner and let them know that they're hurting you. A lot of people use lubrication to minimize the friction. Sometimes, if there is no foreplay, it can be hard to feel comfortable as a woman having sex. And then there is the whole business with the breaking of the hymen, which is probably what's happened to you."

I nodded even though I only vaguely understood what she was saying.

I couldn't tell if she was telling me this because she knew I was young or if she was telling me this for other reasons but it all sounded insane. Foreplay?! Friction?! Hymen? WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Okay, lets take a look," she said. I sighed and leaned back as she pulled the metal footholds out of the table and asked me to put my feet up. As soon as this happened I wanted to cry.

"It's okay," Karma whispered into my ear sweetly.

"So far, so good," the doctor said. I'm going to take a sample from inside so we can do some tests and make sure you don't have any issues. Did you use a condom?" She asked.

"We did. I think."

"You think or you know?"

"I'm not sure," I said begrudgingly.

"Amy?!" Karma seemed shocked.

"I was drunk," I whined.

"It's okay, we'll do a test on you just to make sure." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

As far as I could remember I was sure we used a condom but now being asked again my mind couldn't go back to seeing, hearing, or feeling one so what was I to think? "Okay, you might feel some pressure now." I felt her slide something inside. It was fine at first but it went in a little deep. Then something weird happened and I felt pain almost everywhere.

"Holy shit!" I whined, squeezing hard on Karma's hand and wanting to move really badly.

"Bear with me for just a minute." The doctor put a hand on my knee to try and comfort me but it really didn't help. "I'm just going to take a quick swab, it shouldn't hurt, and then I'll take it out." It hurt though. The thing inside spreading me open, yeah that fucking hurt. There was pressure everywhere and to have pressure on those parts that had already burned from the night before? Yeah, no bueno.

Karma looked down at me with watery eyes. She must've seen it in my eyes how much it hurt.

"I love you," she said. Whispering soft into my ear. I felt her kiss my temple and move slowly away.

"And that's the end of that," the Doctor said. She had taken it out THANK GOD!

"We should probably do a urine test so that I can check for pregnancy."

I couldn't be pregnant. There was no way in hell. Liam had to of used a condom. He wouldn't not. He just wouldn't.

"Have you ever done a breast exam before?"

"Not really…" I confessed. The Doctor moved towards me and Karma sat back down.

"It's really important that you check your breasts often for lumps. You need to get familiar with them so that you can notice a change. It's the best way to catch breast cancer early." In my head I was thinking, OH DEAR GOD WHEN WILL THIS END! Karma had been right about the awkwardness. I tried not to notice but she was blushing in her chair. The doctor had her fingers on my breasts beneath the sheet and she was messaging them to show me how to do it. "Do you think you can do that?"

"Yeah," I squeaked awkwardly, wanting to die.

"Okay, well. Everything looks okay. You have a little bit of tearing but nothing major. It takes a while for that to heal but it will. Just be careful if you're planning on having sex anytime soon. When you get any kind of tear it can just get worse with repeat intercourse and if things don't heal they can get worse or become infected." The eye contact with the doctor was intense and I didn't want her to be looking at me so cloely. "We have free condoms and you can always come in and take them free of charge. Also, I'm going to test you for pregnancy and std's just to be safe and we'll get you set up with some birth control so that you can be doing everything you possibly can to protect yourself. Is there anything else you want me to look at? Any other questions you have or anything on your mind?"

I shook my head no. It was a lot of information. Just imagining _tearing_ was freaking me out. No wonder it fucking hurt. Fucking Liam Booker.

"And what about you? Are you on birth control?"

"Oh, yes." Karma answered.

"Good girl." The doctor smiled.

"Alright, I think that's it. I'll go run the tests and send you to the lab for your test."

"Okay."

She took the little swabs she had taken and left the room. I just laid there naked, afraid to move.

"You can get dressed now," Karma said.

"I feel so violated."

"Hahaha, it's over now at least," Karma laughed. She walked up and took my hand, looking down at me. "You scared me in there," she said.

"I did? When?"

"You don't _know_ if you used a condom?"

"Oh, shit. I just… I wasn't sure. I think we did but…"

"Amy…"

"Do you really think I was in the sort of mood to care about anything I was doing that night?" I could see her noticing my tone. See her noticing my bitterness.

"Sweetie…" Karma brushed my hair away from my face and I turned my head from her sort of angered.

"I need to get dressed," I said, sitting up. As soon as I moved Karma turned and the paper fell off of me leaving me naked in the room. I dressed fast, still feeling the throb of where that pressure had been from that stupid tool they used. Karma was right, it had hurt and been awkward and I never wanted to do it again.

"I'm sorry you felt so lost that night," Karma said sadly. I turned around in my bra and jeans.

"You didn't do anything," I said, almost as defeated as she had been just moments before.

"I shouldn't have hurt you then. I should not have told you about Liam. I should've stayed by you all night. Made sure you were okay. I should've comforted you but instead-"

"Karma, this isn't your fault," I stopped her.

"It really feels like it," she sighed painfully, tears fluttering out of her eyes. I walked toward her and knelt down taking her hands.

"I dropped a fucking bomb on you Karma."

"It should never have felt like a bomb." She said weeping and looking away.

"Does it matter?"

"It does matter, yeah."

"I don't get how you can feel bad after all that I've done."

"All you did was react to my reaction. If I hadn't- if I didn't- Uh," she exhaled exacerbated, wiping the tears from her face.

"No Karma, this was me. This was stupid me, being stupid."

"You're not stupid Amy." She looked down at me nervously and touched my face for a second before looking away.

I suddenly realized I was still shirtless.

"Oh shit, sorry."

"It's fine," she shrugged. "You're pretty."

I turned and put my clothes on right, collecting myself and offering my hand to raise her up. The rest of the visit was pretty painless but still horrible. We didn't speak much. All the tests came back negative. I accidentally peed all over my hand and that was gross.

After I got my birth control pills we had to pay. It was only $25 for everything but it was $25 I didn't have, not without my mom noticing. I went to take my card out of my pocket and Karma saw.

"Don't," she said, stopping my hand. She pulled a card from her pocket and handed it to the nurse.

Karma drove me home and sat in the car idling without speaking. I could tell she was going to leave. She had been stormy all day and all of our talks only made everything worse.

"You're not staying?" I asked finally. I had wanted to sit there forever and not ask. I had wanted to sit there all night with her, just breathing. But I got nervous and sad and scared. So I asked because I knew she was waiting for me to move first.

"I think I should try to sleep," she said.

"I wish I could be with you," I said. I knew we'd both sleep better if we were together.

"I think… This is gonna sound weird, but I think I need to go home and just cry."

"Karma…" I whined, feeling the weight of that sentence.

"We've been trying to heal together and it's just making everything harder," she was still crying silently. She had been doing that on and off all day and I really understood why. All of this was too much.

"I'm really sorry," I said, tears rushing my eyes. I was thinking about her alone in her room crying all alone. Alone. Just there. Alone. Without me.

"I'm really sorry too…" She said. "I'm glad I got to take you though."

"Me too," I said. I was nervous to move.

When she turned from me, I stepped back and just watched. If she wanted to go she should go.

She backed out of the drive and drove away, leaving me there… Alone.


	10. Chapter 10

**_*warning: allusion to suicide*_**

_*i'm really glad you guys liked the last chapter. i didn't think anyone would enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it so that was a lovely surprise*_

**Chapter Ten**

**Stop This Train…**

**Part I**

There was only so long I could stand out on the grass before feeling like a creep. I mean, Karma wasn't coming back. She needed time.

I guess I should've taken it as a sign that I was already healing just a little when I didn't plop my butt down to cry right there on the ground.

_Healing…_ I keep thinking that's what I'm trying to do. Every minute feels like I'm breaking more and more though. You can never heal until you're done with the breaking. You can't glue a broken mirror back together while it continues to crack. It's a fruitless effort. I'm starting to feel like I'm living in one of those weird sad silent french films. It's like I'm doomed to stroll in that sad black and white world now where most things are colorless and heavy and hard.

All those things they say about love, they're all true. I just wish I could get to the good part...

Defeated, I walked into my house carrying my pathetic little bag of not-so-fun goodies from the doctor.

"You're back!" Lauren's voice met me sweetly. I hadn't been expecting it so it took me a while to react.

"Oh yeah, I'm back," I said, turning toward the kitchen where she was. She was wearing a cute sundress and an apron and there was something delicious cooking in a large pot. "What's all this?" I asked.

"I went to the farmer's market while you were gone. That freaky commune had the most beautiful potatoes and carrots. I just HAD to buy them."

"I hear ya," I lied, feigning interest.

"I thought I'd make you Ina Garten's delicious beef stew."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you." Lauren smiled.

"Lauren, that's really sweet," I smiled despite it all.

"A feast for your de-virgining," Lauren blushed teasingly.

"You're weird," I laughed, hanging over the counter and watching as she threw some sort of spice into the pot.

"I know. I just wanted to do something. Pablo's off and I've been lonely. And then all this stuff with you. It just couldn't be fun, ya know?"

"Yeah… I know.." I had forgotten about Pablo. Pablo really was her closest friend. "How come your friends never come over?" I asked.

"What friends?" She scoffed. Okay, I didn't expect those other people she hung around to be less than friend status but I guess they were.

"You know, those girls."

"Oh God, those aren't my friends."

"Okay…"

"Other than Pablo, all my friends are in my old town missing me and having normal lives without me just hundreds of miles away."

"I'm sorry…" I said.

"That's life I guess."

"It still sucks…" I noted.

"How was it?" She asked nervously. I don't think she liked it when I tried to get her to talk about herself. I wish she would talk though. I wish I could know her more. Make her feel better. Do something for her since she had been so kind to me, so very irreplacable. "How did it go?" She asked.

"It was… awkward." I said.

"Did she go in with you?"

"She didn't want to… I made her."

"Oh," Lauren smiled looking down. For some reason, every girl in this town but me had already gone to the gynecologist, had already had sex, and had already been put on birth control.

"I didn't know they were going to like… put something in me." I said.

"Are you fucking serious?!" She said, almost choking on the broth she had taken into her mouth.

"Yeah…" I scoffed awkwardly.

"You really are such an innocent thing Amy Raudenfeld." She smiled. "Here taste this," she held the large spoon out and I took some of it in. It was delicious already. SO GOOD!

"Stop," I whined, wiping my mouth and staring at her to warn her that she had been patronizing. Lauren was looking at me in that way again, that way that made me see how pitiful I came off to anyone who actually knew me.

"What'd the doctor say?" She asked, calming a little. She was too amused by me though, I didn't know how to take that. If you had asked me two months ago if Lauren and I would ever be having a normal conversation like this in our kitchen together I would've laughed in your face. But it was happening. We were this. We were friends. I still couldn't quite wrap my head around it. Why had she changed so much? What had happened? And why did I feel comfortable telling her my secrets, I mean knowing what she was capable of?

I couldn't help but go back in time though and remember. Lauren tried twice to keep my gayness a secret from my mom. She pretended to want something from me but now that just seemed like a pretense, a reason to be nice.

All of a sudden I wanted to cry. I was playing with my fingers and looking down. But I wanted to cry now, I really did.

Instead I just rambled on about my doctor's appointment and tried to breathe normally.

"She said I had mild tearing and that bleeding was normal.. She also recommended I play with myself but I'll save that information from all future conversations." Lauren laughed. I knew she'd get a kick out of it. It was just like me to crack a joke when I was feeling like dying inside. My stomach hurt.

"I'm glad you're okay," Lauren said, staring. There was concern there. So much concern.

"Thanks," I stared back. I wouldn't have gone if she hadn't made me. I wouldn't feel as stable as I was feeling now if it weren't for her. We both realized we were staring and looked away.

"Where'd Karma go?" She asked, breaking eye contact and distracting herself with the things on her cutting board.

"I… She went home."

"I think that's good." Lauren said.

"I don't think we're okay…" I confessed, holding my head.

"You just need time. You'll be fine again some day."

"I hope you're right," I said.. I couldn't help feeling that it was just a fantasy though. "I'm gonna go change. I feel pretty gross."

"Go," Lauren said, shooing me away. The food network was playing on the tv in the background. She seemed happy despite it all. Despite her date and my crap and the weird days since the wedding. I was glad for her again. Glad that she was around to talk to and make me laugh and feel stupid. I needed that. I only wished I could help her too.

**Part II**

I had left my phone on my bed. As soon as I got to my room I stared at it again. Karma wouldn't have texted but I still hoped. I picked it up and checked. Karma hadn't texted but my mom had and so had Shane. And Liam had called, which was strange.

I responded to my mom. She just wanted to know if everything was okay. I lied and said it was. I also said that Lauren was making me food. I knew my mom would like to hear that we were hanging out now instead of avoiding one another.

Shane left me a very vague tweet. He just wanted to know if I was okay. Liam must've told him. I texted and told Shane that I really wasn't okay but I was trying to be. He didn't text back. He must've been busy.

Then there was the business of that missed call from Liam. I stared at the little notification for at least two minutes before caving and pressing to listen. It was strange hearing his voice in my ear.

"Amy? Hi… I just… I wanted to see if you were okay. I know we were both drunk and everything but that really meant something to me. It wasn't just…" He stopped himself and I could hear him inhale heavily through the static. "I think I just felt like we were both so hurt by Karma. Both of us…" He paused for a while. "Look, I don't know why I called. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. If you need anything, even just someone to talk to. I'm here." He paused again. "Bye Amy…" he said awkwardly.

I couldn't believe how sweet that was. I just couldn't. WHY WAS EVERYONE IN MY LIFE MAKING ME WANT TO CRY?!

My phone rang in my hand. It was him. I thought about not answering it but him calling now would save me all the trouble of ignoring him and dwelling on that message.

I cleared my throat and picked it up.

"Amy?" He sounded sweet.

"Hi," I breathed awkwardly.

"I'm glad you answered. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I went to the doctor today with Karma."

"With Karma?"

"Yeah, she knows. I told her."

"Oh…" He said.

"Have you talked to her at all?" I asked. I hadn't thought about it at all, how he must be feeling. What he must be thinking. I guess I had thought, if he's the kind of person who could just sleep with her best friend who gives a fuck right? But that was cruel, it was. People have feelings. All people have feelings. I slept with him too.

"Honestly, I haven't even tried." He confessed. I wondered why.

"But you called me?" I scoffed. It was surprising.

"I didn't… We were drunk," he said. "I wasn't sure if I overstepped my bounds or-"

"It's fine Liam. I'm okay."

"Why did you go to the doctor?" He asked.

"You were my first."

"Oh God..." He said. "I'm so sorry. I was a mess. I should never have-"

"Don't be sorry." I said. "You were fine."

"Did I- Are you okay?" He asked nervously.

"I'm fine, I just wasn't on birth control so I got tested."

There was a long pause.

"I'm not pregnant," I added. The doctor had told me that it usually takes longer to know for sure but the original test came back negative so I'd be negative until I got paranoid and dug out that kit they gave me for one week out. The thought of peeing all over my hand again was definitely not a fun one.

"Oh, that's good," he said awkwardly. He was probably trying to be optimistic. "We used protection."

"Oh thank God," I said. I heard him laugh on the other side of the phone.

"Do you want to go out for coffee or something? Talk about it?"

"Umm, no, that's really okay. I, I know this is fucked up but I don't think I'll ever want to do that again." I confessed.

"We don't have to," he said. "I just meant. We can friends."

Could we though? Could we really be friends?

"Maybe," I said nervously. Me and him could never be friends before. Should I want to be his friend? "Things have been crazy with the wedding and all that happened with Karma.. I think I need to just stay home and be with my family."

"Okay, I get that," he said.

"I… Look, I'm not sure if I was just drunk or if I was using you to hurt her…" As soon as I said it I wanted to take it back. Karma had used him. I couldn't tell him I had used him too. "I mean, I think I was just drunk and hurting and you were drunk and hurting and we just sort of did what we did. I wasn't thinking, Liam…" I stopped for a second to hold my head and think about how to say it. "I reeeeally love Karma. Like, I am in love with her. Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said sheepishly, his voice sounding light.

"You were drunk too right?" I asked, wanting for him to say yes that it was only the booze and nothing else. But of course there had been feelings. We were both smashed and broken and we both crashed into one another instead of crashing into anyone else. "You weren't trying to like start a relationship with me were you?" There was a long pause. The pause was too long.

"She used us both, Amy. I think that I just thought-"

"She didn't use me Liam. I knew what we were doing."

"And you had no problem lying to me?"

"I didn't know you then. And you were this guy whose sole purpose of hooking up with Karma was that she had a girlfriend and she was a lesbian. This might sound fucked up but why should I have felt bad for you then? That was the truth right?"

"It was…" He said. I could hear him sigh through the phone. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking or how he was trying to rationalize it all. He had been hurt but most of it had been his own damn fault and I could tell that he knew that from the sound of his voice right now in the phone.

"I mean, I don't blame you or anything. Karma didn't know I was falling for her. When you guys were hooking up she didn't know."

"But I did."

"Sort of," I said.

"God Amy, I am such an asshole."

"Liam, don't even, seriously." We were all assholes. "Don't even bother. It's all over. It's done. I think we all feel like assholes right now."

That elicited a sweet laugh.

"I'm still sorry," he said.

"Apology accepted," I knew it was the only way to stop the talking. "And I'm sorry too, for what it's worth." We were probably the only two people on earth who knew what it felt like to be hopelessly in love with Karma Ashcroft.

"You should call Shane," he said. "When I told him about what we did, he freaked out on me."

"Oh…" I said. What would Shane say?

"Yeah, he's like REEEEALLY mad at me right now."

"Shit… We didn't even think," I said, lumping us together.

"I guess we didn't," he laughed lightly. At least I had cheered him up.

"Uh, I better go. Lauren's making me food and you're right, I should call Shane." The truth of the matter was, the more I talked to Liam the more bad I felt for him despite wanting to forget about him altogether. I didn't want to be friends. Not with him.

**Part III**

I took a shower and got dressed in pj's. Karma still hadn't texted or called. I hoped she'd fallen asleep at home. I'd hoped she'd fallen fast asleep and dreamed of only good things. It almost made me angry that so many stupid things had been invented by now but not something that could make you sleep and forget your problems.

"Hey you," Lauren said, popping around my doorframe.

"Hey," I smiled softly. When I looked at her I could forget things for a second.

"Dinner's ready if you want."

"What kind of girl would I be if I didn't partake in my own de-virgining feast?" I smiled.

"Good, come on," she said, walking toward me and taking my hand. She dragged me playfully down the hall and into the dining room. The lights were dimmed and she had candles lit. There was soft music playing on my mom's expensive stereo system and I couldn't help but notice that a certain mood was set, a calming mood.

The spread was elaborate and she had even used my mom's dark red table cloth and nice wedding china to set the scene.

"Whoa, Lauren," I said.

"A distraction is in order," she said, whispering high up into my ear from behind me. "For the both of us, now, sit."

She had taken the leaf out of the table and even found a bottle of champagne left over from the wedding. I watched her pop it open and pour it.

"You went all out," I smiled queerly.

"If I can't find a nice guy to treat me right, I'll just treat you right instead."

"Lauren," I blushed.

"You're blushing," she said, not looking at me. She blushed a little too.

"Is it weird that the idea of you having a hard time finding a good guy makes me feel like a total lost cause?"

"You're gorgeous and you're gay. Your problems will never be mine."

"And yet, you've done a good job at trying to make them yours," I said, almost inquiring about it and why why why it had been happening.

She looked down at me and handed me the fluted glass full of champagne.

"Let's toast," she said.

"Oh God, please, no more toasts." I begged.

"No, this'll be good, I promise." She said, taking my free hand and raising her glass.

"To Amy," she started. "I'm sorry for being a massive bitch up until the wedding."

"Lauren, no, don't," I had been shit too, it was fine and done and over and just okay.

"No, I mean it," she said. Something in her eyes told me that she wouldn't let herself just brush it off. "I was jealous of you."

"Shut up, you weren't." I said.

"I was!" She squeezed at my hand. "You got to stay in your house at your school and have your best friend. You had a mom I wanted. You had everything, even your beautiful fucking hair."

"Whoa.." I said. "You think my hair's beautiful?"

"PEOPLE KILL FOR YOUR HAIR!" She yelled.

I laughed.

"Okay," I said, confused. I didn't know what to do with this.

"I was jealous and I wanted to hate you but the more I tried the more I cared."

"Lauren," I didn't need more reasons to cry tonight.

"I'm just saying. I like you, okay? You don't deserve all the things that are happening to you. You don't deserve to be put on the back-burner for someone like Liam Booker." There was bitterness and skepticism in her voice and I adored her for it.

"I don't even think it's about him," I tried to defend.

"You know what I mean," she said, pursing her lips like she might just cry if she kept talking. "I'm sorry. You deserve better." She ended, raising her glass.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay," she agreed. We clinked glasses and I watched as she raised her glass to her lips. She drank almost the full glass but I sipped slow wanting to never ever repeat what I had done the night before. That odd conversation with Liam was still burning in the back of my mind. I wanted to tell Lauren about it but then there was us and this and now.

The rest of dinner was cute. She had an MP3 going and it had some really beautiful songs on it, songs I had never heard. I never realized how into music she was. She was a lot like Karma and her voice was actually beautiful, I couldn't believe I had never heard her sing before. She sang and I was blown away.

"Why do you hide yourself," I asked. It had been such a great time. For an hour almost, I had banished all thoughts of Karma and Liam and the last year of fuckery. Lauren had told me about her old best friend and her boyfriend and her old school and how crazy everything there was. Apparently she had been bullied there. It explained so much when she talked. I couldn't imagine Lauren being bullied.

"I just…" She started. "It's not easy." I could tell it wasn't. I wasn't sure why she was finally talking to me but I was glad for it.

"You're saying that to the girl who can't keep her mouth shut to save her life," she laughed.

"After everything. After my mom. I felt responsible. I felt hurt." She looked down at the napkin on her lap and I wished I was closer to her. "Then stuff at school. I lost my virginity and that wasn't on purpose." I noticed she wiped a tear from her eye. "It was like everything all went wrong at once and then I was in the hospital."

"In the hospital?"

"Yeah…" She confessed, avoiding my eyes and drinking her third glass of champagne.

"Wh… Why were you in the hospital?" I hesitated because I wasn't sure if I should ask. Also, I hesitated because I was scared of the answer. I had seen the way Lauren and Bruce tip-toed around some things in Lauren's past. Just as I had seen the way Bruce would bend over backwards for her at the drop of a hat.

"I sort of… I tried to." There was panic in her eyes; an unfathomable sadness. She stopped herself and stood up. "Hey, it's getting real late," she said, changing the subject and looking down at her wrist watch. I could see that she was shaking. "What do you say we clean up and go to bed?" She asked in a high pitched choked sort of voice.

It wasn't late at all. It was only 8. But she looked sad. She looked too sad.

"Lauren, I-"

"Come on, help me out," she said shakily, picking up the dirty plates and rushing to clink them together. I saw how she struggled to hold them in her state. I got up fast and walked towards her, seeing that everything was wrong.

"Lauren," I said. I was close enough to pull her in. As soon as I touched her arm she fell into me and started to cry hard. "Fuck," I said. "I'm so sorry." She cried into my shoulder and I stood there holding her. She felt small in my arms. Too small.

Her words played back in my head. All I could hear was that one unfinished sentence. _I tried to…_

I think I knew…


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

**Let Me Feel What I'm Feelin' Tonight**

**Part I**

After that we didn't clean and we didn't talk. I held Lauren for a while, while she cried. Eventually I walked her to her room and laid her down in bed, handing her the stuft dog and tucking her in. I laid with her and held her from behind until I could hear her breathing slow and calm. She smelled good and I felt horrible. I didn't know if she really wanted me there. I didn't know anything, not anything at all.

All I knew was that I hadn't treated her well since the moment she stepped through my door last year. And to think she had… She had tried to…

I couldn't think about it, I held back my own foolish tears.

I guess we had both lost a parent but I was young enough not to know as much back then. I couldn't imagine losing my mom when I was in my teens when I was old enough to comprehend all that was happening to me. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if that had happened to me. Just as I couldn't imagine what else Lauren was keeping from me. Things had to be pretty bad for her to… I kept thinking it and then pushing it out.

As soon as I could feel she was asleep I snuck out of her room and went outside to walk around in the dark. The feelings had been much too strong. They screamed in my head while I was with her.

The room had felt so stuffy. I was suffocating in there with all my thoughts. Once outside, I walked and walked and walked. Mostly I just did circles around the block watching the lights go on and off and hearing the people inside with their televisions on and their laughter booming. Some houses were dark just like mine but there was one house with a large party going late into the night.

I thought about Lauren and ran a little in the night.

But eventually it started to rain. I went back inside and started a fire just to distract myself. Summer storms were electric somehow. I opened the curtains so that I could watch it all outside, the lightening and the rain.

I listened to Lauren's MP3 on low and drank the rest of the champagne slowly, wishing I could forget.

As much as I wanted not to repeat my mistakes I wanted more to forget them, the ones I couldn't take back.

I checked my phone around 1:30 am. I wasn't tired. I was a little drunk. I wanted to write Karma a letter or call her but it'd be wrong. I wanted to do all sorts of things. Like run away.

Then there was Lauren. I couldn't leave.

I thought about walking to Karma's and I had almost done it in the rain. I started and turned back several times. I kept thinking, but what if Lauren wakes up? It was enough to turn me around.

She shouldn't be alone. I stayed.

I was nodding off at last when I heard the latch catch and the front door slowly open.

I sat up quickly to see her. She was standing there, drenched, hugging herself in my door way.

"Amy?" She called softly, tears flooding her eyes.

"Karma?" I walked to her and noticed. She was soaked to the bone. I took a hand to her arm and pulled her gently inside. "What are you doing?" I wanted to tell her she was crazy but that would've been me at her door if it hadn't been for the crazy night I had.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I'm here, I just couldn't breathe and then I was walking and I was outside for so long just wondering what I should do."

"Shhhhh…" I said, pulling her in for a hug. I held her in my arms and felt relief. We had been thinking the exact same thing. Feeling the exact same way. It was insane. We were fucking insane.

I held her and felt close in so many ways.

"I don't know what I'm feeling I don't know what to do," she rambled, shaking.

"Shhhh, you don't have to do anything," I comforted, pulling her wet hair away from her face. We'd been through this before but somehow this time I felt like we both knew more. "Come on," I said, pulling her with me to the bathroom. I put the toilet seat down and had her sit. She watched me sadly as I turned on the bath and poured bubbles into it. "You're cold, you should warm up."

"I'm sorry I left earlier," she said almost desperately.

"Karma, it's okay…" I held at her shoulder and felt that she was shaking. I didn't know if it was because she was cold or because she was scared.

"Will you stay," she asked, as I turned to leave.

"Sure, if you want," I said. I looked to the empty wall across from where she was sitting and I slid down it, falling to sit on the ground.

"Every time I try to leave you I just end up hating myself," she said.

"Please don't," I said. "You don't have to feel that way. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here."

She didn't even want me to leave the room. She didn't even want me to be ten feet away.

She stood up shakily and began to undress. I looked down at my hands and held my knees in close trying not to feel weird.

I heard her slip into the bath and sigh.

"Thanks," she said.

"It's fine." Was it fine?

She started to sing a slow song and I closed my eyes, smiling into the soothing sound of her voice.

"I love that song,"I sighed.

"I know," she smiled. I looked over and noticed her.

"Oh good, you stopped crying."

"For now at least."

"Is it crazy I kept checking my phone?"

"It's not… I did it too." There was a long while where we didn't speak. I thought about how we had both been outside trying to resist. We had both had our phones and we desperately stared at them just hoping. We were so crazy.

"Lauren told me about something just now," I said, trying to rid myself of the Karma thoughts. "It was kinda scary."

"What do you mean?" Karma asked, moved to the side of the tub and resting her arms on the side and her chin on her arms.

"I think… I think she tried to kill herself." It was a weird thing to mention off-hand. A weird thing to just say. I couldn't stop thinking about it though. Not even with Karma here and refusing to leave my side.

"Whoa…" Karma said, moving back and laying down again in the tub.

"I know…" I said, looking away. It was heavy.

"I told her about the doctor and she made me dinner."

"God, you guys are domestic."

"We are," I smirked looking away from her and trying not to blush.

"Why would she?" Karma was going to finish the sentence but she couldn't.

"She wouldn't say. She didn't even say it really, I could just tell."

"I can't believe that.. God, I'm such a bitch…"

"No, don't." This wasn't about that. I wasn't telling her so that she'd be nicer to her. "You can't act like you know. She'll kill me, please-"

"Amy, its fine. I won't act different."

"Sorry…" I kinda wigged out. "I just have a feeling if she knows I told you she'd never speak to me again." Uck. It would be just like me to fuck it all up.

"I can't believe how close you guys are."

She moved her hands around in the water.

"Is it weird?" She asked.

"No, it's nice." I confessed.

"I used to want a sister but then I got you," she smiled. I smiled back. She turned sideways in her tub and held the loofa up over her shoulder. I moved up and took it, taking the soapy water up and scrubbing her back. "Mmmmm," she hummed. It was the first time we had been quiet long enough to relax I think.

"Mmmm," I hummed back sleepily.

"Can I sleep with you?" She asked. "I don't think I can sleep alone."

"I'd reeeeally like that," I said. It had been all I wanted to do after the doctor. I just wanted to go into my room and fall asleep together on my bed. In some ways I wished we had done that. Maybe Lauren wouldn't be so sad? Maybe Karma wouldn't be so lost? I dunno… It was hard to think about it now.

Suddenly I remembered that I had talked to Liam. It felt weird not saying it.

"Liam called me," I said, clearing my throat.

"He did?" Karma seemed surprised.

"Yeah, he left a message first. It was sweet. You should listen to it."

"I dunno," she said, seeming hurt and uninterested.

"He wanted to make sure I was okay."

"Wait, so you talked to him?"

"Yeah, actually. He asked me out for coffee," I chuckled and she held at my hand on her shoulder, squeezing it.

"That's pretty cute," she said.

"I turned him down of course and said I was fine. I told him that you knew already and that I'd never want to have sex with him again."

"What?! You said that?!"

"I did," I laughed. "There was something sad about him. It was like he though you had used us."

"Oy…" She sighed.

"I told him that you didn't use me." I made sure she knew that I never felt like she was using me, not really. I had lied too. I knew what we were doing. "And I told him that the only reason he was trying to be with you at first was because he thought you were a lesbian and he thought I was in love with you." I rubbed the loofa over her neck and watched her twist in pleasure and close her eyes as the hot water flowed over her. I wondered if she was even paying attention or if I was just rambling to make myself feel bettr. "He seemed to get it after that. He apologized and stuff."

"What a mess," she said, shaking her head slowly and taking the loofa back, holding my hand.

"A mess, indeed," I concurred.

She twisted a little to face me.

"You don't think I used you?"

"No, Karma. I really don't," I said, looking her deep in the eyes.

She moved a little more and I could tell she was ready to get out. I stood up and turned to grab the towel. I handed it to her without looking and she wrapped herself up in it.

"Okay, we can go," she said.

"K…"

**Part II**

We went to my room and I shut the door. I turned some sleepy music on so that it wouldn't be so very quiet.

"Does your mom know you're here?" I asked.

"I texted her," she said. "It's fine."

"Okay," I sighed. I laid down on my bed and turned on my side away from her so she could change. She didn't change though. I felt the covers move and then her weight was on the bed and she was facing my back just waiting there and breathing.

"Amy," she said.

"Hmm?" I asked.

"Will you look at me?"

I turned over to face her and look her in the eyes. She was still stormy, her eyes were still clouded and darker than usual. It was almost like when she was sad they changed colors. There was something about them that I could just read.

She looked at me though, open and serious. We didn't often just stare like this. I felt my breath catching and my mind speeding up.

She brought her hand up to my face and felt my cheek, leaning in to softly kiss me. I felt her lips brush mine and her tongue slowly taste me. It was soft and short. When she pulled away I wondered why she was so quiet.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Just you," she said. She was still looking at my eyes as if to turn away would actually hurt.

"Thanks," I smiled, feeling suddenly bashful. She was just looking so close and treating me so delicately. It was different. It wasn't like yesterday at all. It was different.

She leaned in and kissed me again, just as serious.

It was weird to be there like that. She was naked under the sheet and I was in all my clothes on top just trying to act normal.

And she was kissing me now, a little bit hungrier, with her warm hand on my skin. The rain had changed her or maybe it was the day.

"I really love you," she said. I noticed then that she was about to cry. There was something so soft about her. I just wanted to hold her forever.

"I love you too," I said, unsure of what to do.

She beat me to an action by snuggling up to me so that I could hold her just there. I listened to her breathing for a long time before falling asleep. It felt so good just to hold her. Even if none of it made sense. It felt good.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

**Did You Know I've Been Wanting You**

**Part I**

I woke to Karma's eyes watching me. She was awake and holding me. I wondered how we had gotten that way.

"Hi," she said sweetly.

"Hi," I answered back. I tucked my head into her neck and hugged her.

"Mmmm," she smiled, squeezing me back.

I could hear that outside it was raining. And there was noise in the hall for a brief second before Lauren opened my door and looked at us there.

"Oh, hi," she said. She probably didn't think Karma would be home.

"Hi," I said. "How are you?"

"Fine," she smiled at me briefly before looking to Karma and scowling. But then she turned and shut the door.

"Woops," Karma said. I looked down at her and remembered.

"Oh God, you're naked," I laughed awkwardly, moving away. I hadn't noticed that my hand had been beneath the covers and my arm had been draped over her naked skin, my body half wrapped in hers beneath the sheet.

"Sorry," she smiled.

"It's okay, she doesn't care." I shrugged, unable to remove my smile.

"Her face was a little shocked."

"She doesn't," I insisted. I rolled away from her and smiled down. "Do you want some clothes? Did I trap you in there?"

"I wanted to hold you," She smiled. She sat up and turned in bed, hugging the sheet to her body and staring at me happily.

I picked my phone up off the nightstand and noticed a missed call from Shane.

"Anything?"

"Shane," I said, pressing for voice mail. His voice felt good in my ears.

"Morning sunshine, sorry I was out last night. Liam told me what happened. I couldn't believe it. I NEED you to call me. The thought of you and him... Together… Naked. Amy… I just hope you're okay. Call me. Please." I looked down at the phone and clicked to delete the message. I'd call him soon I just couldn't do it with Karma in the room. I knew it wouldn't go over well.

"Everything okay?" Karma must've seen the worry in my face.

"Liam told him," I said with a slight head nod.

"Oh," Karma said. "Boy, Liam seems to be talking to everyone except me."

"Do you want to hear the message he left yesterday?" She was upset with him and she had every right to be but I still couldn't understand why she'd be so mad at him and not mad at all at me.

"Sure," she said. I clicked the speaker button as the Liam message automatically began to play.

Hearing it again was a bit surreal. He sounded sweet and stressed out. I felt nervous when he mentioned Karma though. It was different now that Karma was listening. I felt that guilt again in the pit of my stomach. Liam accused Karma of using us both. She hadn't used me.

"I'm glad he called you," Karma said once it was done. While she was speaking I was watching her face grow serious again. I couldn't imagine what she was thinking but it probably wasn't good. I was starting to wonder if it had even sunken in at all for Karma that Liam and I had actually slept together. But that was a silly thought since Karma was the one who sat through my awkward Planned Parenthood terror appointment and listened as the doctor talked on about weird things like blood, tearing, foreplay, and friction. She probably imagined everything in her head. Ug. Just the thought of that makes me shiver.

"It was nice," I said, not sure of what else to do.

Karma stood with the sheet wrapped around her. She walked to my dresser and fished for something to wear. I walked to the window and stared out at the storm that was somehow still going, despite the summer time.

"I don't want to talk to him ever again," she said eventually, after she had put some things on.

"What?" I asked, turning to look at her over there. She was snapping her bra on.

"I can't believe he slept with you to hurt me," she said.

"We were drunk, you don't know-" I was hugging my arms into myself.

"No, I know." She said, her tear-filled bitter eyes locking quickly with my own. I realized again that she was changing and looked away.

"I'm sorry…" I said.

"It wasn't you."

"I was there."

"It wasn't you, Amy," she said, walking over to me by the window. She took me by my wrists and pulled my reluctant arms apart so that she could pull me to her and hold me. It was odd because she was still only in her bra and a pair of my unbuttoned jeans. She was so beautiful all the time. I broke without looking.

The second she began to walk over I took her all in with her gorgeous long hair flowing down over her white skin, and the way her body was different from my own, the way she walked different and even breathed differently. She didn't even have to get close to affect me. I felt her everywhere, all the time. I looked for a brief second before needing to look away and not see. She was too much for me. Everything I never knew I wanted before this year.

She pulled me to her though, forcing me to feel. I felt my knees fall in close by hers. I felt myself lose no matter how I tried to stand on my own. She made us sway in the room. It was like we were slow dancing without music. She took care to hold me close and rock me in her arms. I felt her breath on my ear and her hand slipping soft into mine. And all I could smell was her beautiful hair.

"I just don't get why you're not mad at me?" I asked, feeling her body all around me.

"What's not to get?" She asked, leaning back to look at me, rocking back on her heels and pulling me in towards her again, pulling me in to hug her. I felt her hand pull at my side as she smiled up at me. "You've always been mine," she said affectionately as my body fell forward into hers.

I rolled my eyes, trying to play it off. "I mean it," I said.

"I mean it," she smiled. I wondered if she could feel my heart beating in my chest. It felt so loud to me, my heart, like a steady drum. "I couldn't stay mad at you if I tried." She wasn't even mad about that. She smiled as she said it.

She laid her head on my shoulder and I felt as her soft lips brushed my neck and her hand raised up to help her hold me. My lips parted as she came close. She was everywhere. "You've always been too good to me," she sighted softly. She was whispering to me, making me fragile again.

"That's not true," I said, trying not to feel the soft kiss she was placing over the beating pulse in my neck. I shivered out a stuttering breath as she kissed me there.

"It is true," she said, running the tip of her nose up my neck and over into my hair. I could hear it as she breathed me in, her whole body wrapped up in mine. "You're too quiet," she whispered close near my ear.

"I don't know what to say," my voice almost at a whisper now. I couldn't take it, the way she touched me so soft. Her hand tucked under my shirt and I could feel her fingers push at my bare skin, feeling me as she inhaled with closed eyes. I dropped my forehead to hers and felt as she pressed up into me.

"Say you love me," she said desperately. I could hear it in her voice, the nearness of tears. "Say you still want me, even after everything."

"Of course I still want you," I breathed out shakily, looking down to see her eyes still closed and her mouth slightly open, air escaping shallowly and fast.

"Kiss me," she said, but her eyes were still closed in almost pain. I watched her for a second, wondering if I should. She wanted it, I could tell she did, but I couldn't move.

Her eyes drifted open when I didn't move. She saw me watching her. She caught me there staring and smiled up at me. She leaned up and pulled me close, her lips crashing into mine as her hand drifted up into my hair, pulling me close down into her so that I wouldn't fight her but instead fall into her like she wanted.

She even tasted stormy, in a good way. I let myself push, sliding my hand around her side and pulling her into me by a hand on her back.

"Uhhh," I whimpered as both her hands moved to hold at my face. I wanted to fall but there was nowhere to do it. We were standing in the room and there was no wall close and the bed seemed somehow impossibly far away. She kissed my lips and I felt myself stumble back. She smiled into the kiss, almost humming.

"Mmmm," she said, her eyes still closed. "You okay?" she asked, breaking away and kissing my jaw and then my neck.

"Not really," I smiled queerly, wanting to laugh. She reached up again with her hands and her lips found mine as she smiled into me, kissing me again. It felt good to kiss her like that. To taste her smile and her happiness. It sounds weird, trying to explain it, but that's what was happening. Even her tongue tasted happy. I felt myself blush into her and smile back.

I couldn't stand for long. I kept swaying and falling forward or away. Kissing her was too much. She fought to keep me but I'd stumble and we'd both laugh. It was making me too happy, her happiness. I couldn't hold her lips long before wanting to burst and breathe and smile with all of my self.

Eventually I pushed her a way and stumbled to the window on my knees, opening it and sticking my head out so that I could just breath and feel that happiness.

"You taste good," she said, wrapping me up in a hug from behind. The cold air felt nice after everything and I loved the feeling of her body on mine and her cheery voice in my ear.

"You're such a tease," I joked.

"Right, I'm the tease," she laughed lightly, her whole body on mine. She was right. I was the one who wouldn't let her get too close. I was the one who had to be asleep to touch her and had to break away from kissing her every three seconds because it was too much for me to breathe in.

"Can we go out?" I asked shakily. I was shaking but I think it was the happiness. "I'm starting to feel crazy," I said, taking a hand up to her neck and holding her close from behind. Even like this she was all around me and she had me. I couldn't drop or fall, I was floating no matter what.

"Yes, please," she crooned. "But what about your friend?"

"Oh shit, I should talk to her…" I had forgotten about Lauren.

"Perhaps she wants breakfast?" Karma suggested.

"Mmm, perhaps you want breakfast," I turned, looking back at her eyes and scanning her expressing, kissing her again, this time slow. I felt my eyes drift closed as she kissed me back. We fell naturally to the floor and I wanted her.

There was a quick knock at the door but we didn't hear it fast enough. Lauren popped in to see Karma ontop of me by the windwo, and kissing me in just her bra and undone jeans.

"Are you guys going to come out soon? I'm getting bored."

"You're waiting for us?" Karma asked in surprise. I could tell she wanted to laugh but held back. She sat up on me but she was still holding my arms back above my head, pinning them to the ground. She didn't care at all that Lauren could still see and judge and who knows what Lauren was thinking. Hell, I wanted to laugh too.

"Will you put on some clothes, you're embarrassing yourself." Lauren said, looking Karma up and down.

"We were thinking about breakfast… Wanna drive?" I asked. I was trying to pretend that it wasn't weird at all to be in this position and taking normally.

"Hmm… Sure…" She said skeptically, probably judging me too.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing, just sure," she decided, walking off and leaving the door open wide.

"She's so rude," Karma whispered, dipping down so that her soft quiet voice was right in my ear. I felt my body scream beneath her. I wanted her so bad.

"Fuck," I said, looking up at her there. She had me so easily and like this on the ground all I could see was her body over mine, her face smiling and her hair trapping me inside as she moved to kiss me.

"Mmmm," Karma hummed, her body on mine. "I like you like this."

"Shut up," I said, wanting to move. How could I want to move though? How could I? Karma held at my wrists and kept me down. She was on top of me and I wanted her to be.

"You can't tease me like this," she said, sliding her tongue out to lick behind my ear.

"Ah, fuck," I said, bucking my hips up instinctively. I couldn't take the fire. She laughed into my ear.

"I love you," she said, looking down at me happily. When I had bucked she had pushed me back down, tightening her grip on my wrists and tensing her thighs in response.

She watched me below her until I relaxed. And I watched and felt as she released her grip on my wrists and slid her hands softly down my arms, brushing my naked skin with her own and moving slowly to release me.

She got up and I just couldn't move. I watched her from the ground as she dug for a shirt in my drawers and used her fingers to put her earrings back in.

"Come on, you," she said, noticing me down there.

"Unf." I huffed.

"Come on," she said, walking over to me and taking my hand to pull me up.

**Part II**

"I hope it's okay I invited Shane," I said. Lauren was driving and she seemed back to her old self. "I haven't seen him since the wedding, and Liam told him about.. You know."

"It's fine," Lauren said flatly. She was already back to pretending nothing I could say would ever phase her. She was a lot harder to read than anyone I'd ever known. I noticed how she would glance back at Karma through the rearview mirror every now and then. "You guys seemed happy this morning," she whispered. Karma was humming something in the back seat and staring at her phone.

"Are you okay?" I asked, placing a hand over hers. There was something really strange about her today.

"I dunno," she shrugged. "Ask me when we're alone, I can't talk about it now." Great, so she wasn't okay.

"We don't have to go if you don-"

"Amy, I said it's fine. Calm down." I glanced back at Karma who had looked up just then and noticed the harshness. I sent her a soft warning smile and she blinked slowly in response, letting it go.

We got to Magnolia Cafe and Shane was waiting out front by the "Sorry we're Open" sign. I jumped out and ran to him, jumping up into his arms. He caught me and spun me around in his arms.

"Thanks for coming," he said holding me close and hugging me to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't pick up," I whispered, tears of separation springing to my eyes.

"It's okay," he smiled, lowering me down. When I looked at him I saw guilt in his eyes. "Amy, I'm so sorry," he said.

"It's okay," I said, pulling him in close for a side-hug. We stumbled into each other as if wounded.

From the sign we turned and stared back at the car. Lauren and Karma were standing awkwardly next to one another and staring at us just there.

"This will be interesting," Shane laughed.

"You have no idea," I said. There was so much I wanted to say. Things would've been so much easier if I had just disappeared to Shane's the second shit started to go wrong. Uggg.. I couldn't think about it now.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Over Breakfast**

**Part I**

Shane was a godsend. I don't think I really realized how much I missed him until he was in my arms.

"Are you two done with the kissing?" Lauren asked.

"Mmm, who said anything about kissing?" Shane asked, turning to me with an intrigued smile.

"I think I've done enough of that lately," I laughed, still holding him. He was all bark anyway.

Karma stood awkwardly by Lauren and held at her arm. I knew it was impossible to get her to feel comfortable around Shane. It was something that had to come naturally and it just didn't. I just wished things could be different. Karma tried so hard for me, she always did. Both Shane and Lauren treated her like she was some sort of parasite but she really wasn't and I hated that about them. But how could I ever really hate my friends for anything? I loved them. I loved them all.

We went inside and got a table. The place was busy as usual. It was a popular breakfast spot and one we actually went to often. Even Lauren liked it, which was a big surprise.

As soon as we were seated Karma and Lauren both excused themselves to go to the bathroom.

"That was weird, those two aren't?" Shane raised his eyebrow suggestively.

"God, that would be hilarious!" I laughed.

"How are you? Are you okay? I wish we were alone…" He was suddenly in best friend mode. He had both of my hands in his own so that I couldn't look away.

"I'm… dealing," I said.

"Does Karma know?"

"I told her, she's not even mad."

"How is that even fucking possible?!" He scoffed, letting go of my hands and turning away. Shane had told me a lot about his past. Every time he cheated there was a HUGE blow-up and he couldn't blame his previous partners but it still hurt him that they could just drop him like a hotcake instead of being mad enough to push him around a little first.

"I don't know… She's… I think she might be in love with me."

"What?!" Shane asked, turning back, his eyes lighting up.

"We slept together last night," I said. "And then this morning…"

"This morning?" He urged me to go on, using his hand to usher me along since time was of the essence.

"She was kissing me… A lot. She was everywhere," I sighed shakily, remembering it all, the feeling of her love. Even talking about it made my excited.

"Wow," he sighed. "Now when you say sleep, you mean-"

"Oh God! JUST sleep!" I corrected. I forgot that my thoughts never came off right out loud. Of course Shane would make that mistake.

"She _was_ naked though…" I added, remembering only then.

"What the hell?! WHY WAS SHE NAKED?!" He yelled, causing the people next to us to jump. "Sorry," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper.

"The past few days have been insane…" I rolled my eyes. It would take longer than the 3 minutes we had to tell him everything. "You know I can't talk about it now."

"Fuck Amy!" He said. "Well, what _can_ you talk about?" He asked.

"Things with Liam… Liam called me today, it was sweet."

"There are no things with Liam." Shane said. "I can't believe he slept with you."

"What, like I'm so unattractive?" I felt hurt.

"No! Not unattractive. Amy, you're gorgeous. But OFF LIMITS!"

"He slept with Karma," I reminded.

"Which is exactly why he should never have touched your sheets, let alone your gorgeous naked body," Shane said, causing me to feel bitter.

"Fine…" I said, ignoring his harmless teasing and dwelling instead on his choice to be angry with his best friend.

"Don't be mad, please don't be mad," he fought. "I've been worrying about you for days, can we at least be happy at least for an hour? Please?" He begged.

"Fine," I said, losing my coldness and giving him my hand to hold.

A lady came by and poured us each a cup of coffee. It tasted good after everything.

**Part II**

When Karma and Lauren came back from the bathroom they both looked a little too serious for my liking. Shane and I had been laughing about private things when they came and sat down.

"I ordered you coffee," I said, glancing up at them both.

"Thanks," Karma said. Lauren just nodded.

"Oh God, what happened? Did you fall in?" I asked. They were both too quiet.

"I think I'm just feeling sick," Karma said.

"Yeah, she's feeling sick," Lauren added, ignoring her and sipping her coffee with two hands.

Shane and I exchanged a look.

"Oh, well," I said. "I hope you didn't maul each other." It was obvious that they had fought in the bathroom. I couldn't help but wonder if Lauren went intentionally to get on Karma's nerves. I would have to wait though to find out what was said.

Yay for awkward breakfast with my awkward friends!

Somehow Shane got everybody laughing. On one hand I was sort of relieved to have him there leading things so that I could think a little and enjoy myself. On the other, it took away some intimacy with both Karma and Lauren to have him around. The more I talked to each one of these three in private the more apparent it became that I just couldn't talk about certain things with any of them unless we were entirely alone.

While we waited and sat ignoring the other loud groups around us, my mind sort of took a shift. I kept staring at Lauren and then at Karma and then at Shane. I couldn't stop myself from smiling. I felt so grateful all of a sudden. I have a sister now, a real sister who trusts me. Who knows? Maybe she even loves me…

Then I have Shane, my new bestie, the only person who could've gotten me through this disaster of a year. Even just sitting here, sipping coffee with him, I feel happy.

Then there's Karma. The only person on Earth who knows more about me than I do about myself. She was kissing me this morning, looking at me that way. Whatever we were now, we weren't _just_ friends.

I can't even believe this right now. How is this my life? How could I have been so messed up just days ago and so freaking happy right now?

I laughed to myself and Lauren noticed.

"Hey there crazy. You're being quiet," she smiled and noted out loud, shaking me from my daze. "Are you high?"

"I'm not being quiet. I'm being calm. There's a difference, you know." I shot her a cheeky warning glance and then my eyes met with Karma's. She sent her arm across the table to motion for my hand. I laced my fingers in hers and smiled, mirroring her happiness.

"You don't have to lecture me about calm," Lauren scoffed. When I looked at her she was examining her nails nervously. She was bouncing a bit and I realized she was nervously bouncing her leg, an impatient tick.

"Are you okay?"

"I have to pee," Lauren said, standing up quick.

"You better go," Karma said once Lauren was just out of earshot.

"What?"

"She's upset…"

"Yeah but why?"

"I dunno… But given what you know… You should go," Karma urged.

"Wait? Gossip?!" Shane grabbed at my arm. "What do we know?" He asked. But he didn't know this and he couldn't know this. Rising slowly I made sure to lean in close to Karma's ear before chasing Lauren.

"Do. Not. Tell. Him." I bit through gritted teeth, inhaling deeply the smell of Karma's hair, the reminder of our morning together. I felt a sudden wanting and need and now an anger all at once. Things couldn't possibly stay like this long.

**Part III**

Lauren had been off all morning. I figured it had all to do with Karma and honestly I felt bad about it. Every time I had a problem Lauren was there. Now Lauren had a problem and I was off with Karma allowing myself to have fun and get turned on when Lauren was in the other room possibly having a secret lonely freak out.

"Lauren?"

"Oh… It's you." She said. I noticed that all the stalls were empty except one. She had the door closed and her feet were facing sideways. She couldn't possibly be peeing.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," she muttered.

"Lauren, I can tell you're not peeing."

"I don't know how to be right now," she sighed. I walked to the door and leaned my forehead on it. I exhaled slow, trying to think of what to do. Then I looked sneakily through the crack in the door with one eye. She had her back to the stall wall and she was just standing there leaning with her eyes down at her feet. She looked sad.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

"No, no," she looked up, surprised, seeing me and almost jumping. "Jesus! Pervert…" She calmed.

"Can I come in?"

"Fine," she said, unlocking the door and letting me in. I stepped inside and closed the door again, locking it. I leaned back on the opposite wall so that I could give her enough space.

"What's going on?"

"I don't even know," she shrugged sadly. For a while I just watched her. We breathed quietly.

"I wish I could do something…"

"It's not your fault," she sighed, moving her hand up to her eye and wiping a lone tear away carefully so that she wouldn't smudge her make-up.

I took her hand and held it in mine.

"I love you," I said.

She chuckled. "I love you too weirdo…"

It was so new, this sister thing. Lauren somehow felt like another Karma to me. I cared about her just as much. I wanted to help her just as much. Wanted to make her happy.

There was so much in the way Lauren repeatedly chose to stay quiet about the things she was feeling. Lately I was beginning to really notice the places where she didn't speak. With ever off silence I knew deep down there was something unsaid. Every place where Lauren didn't speak seemed to leave a little scar on me. I couldn't get into her, couldn't feel what she was feeling or understand what she was going through. After what she told me though, I couldn't afford to let her be.

I stayed in the stall with her and held her hand. It didn't matter to me that we weren't speaking.

**Part IV**

After breakfast we dropped Shane off at Liam's. Outside the large gates of the Booker mansion Karma seemed to shiver.

Shane hopped out of the front seat and hung onto the door.

"Well girls, it's been fun. Thanks for being such an accommodating chauffeur," he winked at Lauren.

"Any time," she said gruffly. The invitation was obviously not a real one.

"Karma, it's be real," he nodded fakely.

"Bye Shane," she said. She never seemed to want to participate in his one-sided hate-fest.

"And Amy, any chance I can ask you something outside the car?"

"Ugggggggg," I groaned with a smile. I stepped out and met him off to the side.

"We are going to hang-out soon and you are going to tell me all of the things."

"Whatever you say," I shrugged.

"Shut up, you know you missed me."

"I did," I smiled.

"K, girl… Be good," he smirked. "See you soon?"

"Soon. Promise." He pressed the buzzer for the intercom and we all waited for the gate to open before leaving. I hopped into the passenger seat and flipped my visor down so that I could better watch Karma.

"Where too?" Lauren asked gruffly.

"I dunno," I sighed. "What do you think?" I looked over at her and wondered what she wanted. I would do anything. We could do anything.

"Maybe we should go home," Lauren sighed.

"Or?"

"Or?"

Karma crawled up between the seats. "What are you thinking?"

"Haven't been to the beach in a while… It is summer?"

"You hate the beach," Karma laughed.

"Lauren likes the beach," I said. "Don't you?"

"I do…" She seemed to be remembering something. I watched her close to try and see if maybe the beach could be good.

"What about your old town? It's not far, ya know… Mom and Dad will be gone for days… You can show us where you went to school!"

"I… I don't want to go there."

"Why not?!"

"Amy…" She seemed troubled. Perhaps she didn't want me to try.

"What?"

"Don't you think it's kind of strange that I've been living here with you for over a year and not one of my friends has come out to visit?"

"Not so strange…" She had mentioned recently that a few of her friends ended up being pricks but she also mentioned earlier in the year that she had great friends before.

"They don't care."

"Lauren, come on, why would you even say that?"

"Because it's true! They don't care. When things…"

"Lauren?"

"I can't talk about it. I'm not saying it to get pity. I'm saying it because it's true. There are a lot of reasons why I haven't been happy." Every little piece of herself that she shared now seemed to worry me.

"I'm sorry…" I said.

"Fine, we'll go to the beach…"

"YAY!" Karma cheered.

"Will you at least tell me more about things?" I asked.

"Sure… No point in keeping their secrets now anyway…" If there was one thing I wanted to know it was why people would ever bully Lauren.

We went home to pack up. A beach day was definitely in order.


End file.
